Resurrection
by octoberland
Summary: New Moon inspired. BxE. Vamp/human. Jake is just a friend. Rated M for themes of depression/suicide/light lemons and violence later on. Focuses on E/B repairing their relationship. "Ironic that my blood would end up being the thing that saved me."
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Bella and Jacob will be friends but THAT'S IT. No offence, I love Jacob but I thought it might be good to do a story where there isn't that distracting angst. Instead I would rather focus on how Bella is feeling. And I have an idea of how she would try and get Edward back and it isn't anything I've seen done so far though I sure haven't read every single story either. **

**All characters property of Stephenie Meyer.**

He left. I can't believe he left. This isn't happening. It isn't real. My skin is crawling with the emptiness of him and I am vibrating with despair. The thought of him out there happy without me is more than I can bear. So it's time to end it. Some say that suicide is selfish and I guess it is but I've spent my life taking care of other people. It's time I do something for myself. Black oblivion is preferable to the decades spread before me without him. Not even sleep provides an escape for my dreams are all of him. I wake up crying almost every night.

So here I stand on the high cliffs above the churning grey sea. There is a small pang of guilt knowing that Esme had once done this same thing and I hope if they ever find out what happened to me she doesn't take it personally. It hurts me that they all left but I can't blame her. She's as much a mother to them as any flesh and blood human is to their child and she did what a mother does. She supported her son and did what she thought was best for her family.

Thoughts of them bring fresh tears to my eyes mingling with the misty air around me. They used to be _my _family. Or so I thought. I wasn't only losing Edward. I was losing all of them. My best friend Alice, Edward's bear of a brother Emmett, Carlisle with his gentle smile and hands that had mended me more than once and even Jasper and Rosalie. They were all out there happy without me. He had said that it would be as if he had never existed but he was wrong. It would be as if I was the one who never existed and it seemed only fitting to make that true.

I stepped towards the cliff edge taking a cursory look down. The angry waves beat a steady rhythm on the worn rocks and I hoped I could jump far enough out that my body would be washed away by the sea. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone anymore and that included in my death.

I took a deep breath and looked out at the cloud covered sky. This would be the last thing I ever saw. I closed my eyes and I jumped.

And I fell.

And fell.

And fell.

The air was like a cool blanket around me and I began to wonder if I hadn't really jumped that is until I felt the ice water claim me in a thousand shards of glass. I couldn't breathe. I didn't know which way was up and I didn't care. I had done my research. Drowning was supposed to be quick and fairly painless. I kept my eyes closed as the pressure in my chest built. My body screamed to breathe, screamed to live but my soul knew there was no point. So I gave it what it wanted. I breathed, swallowing a huge gulp of salty ocean and my lungs protested violently. They lied. It hurt. But it didn't matter because that beautiful black oblivion was taking over and all was finally peaceful.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Sorry this is so short. I planned to write more and then suddenly got really tired. **

**All characters property of Stephenie Meyer.**

I woke to the sounds of beeping machinery and a bright light above me. My throat felt like liquid fire, my limbs ached and my hands stung. I'm alive. I groaned at the thought. I couldn't even manage to kill myself without screwing it up.

"Bells? Bells can you hear me?" I heard my Father's voice to my right and I groaned even louder. Everyone would know. Heck by now everyone did know. Maybe if I keep my eyes closed I can stay here until the town of Forks forgets about me and latches on to some other gossip worthy event. But of course fate couldn't be that kind.

"Get a nurse!" cried my Father in a frantic voice.

"No!" I shot up only to be pulled back down by an IV and an oxygen tube. I squinted at the lights above me and slowly focused on Charlie's face. It was worn. Tired and worn and a wave of guilt washed over me but I couldn't think of anything to say. I simply looked at him willing him to understand the apology in my eyes.

He ran his hand across my brow. "Why Bella? Why?" The hurt in his voice was heartbreaking but the reminder of why made me look away. "You know why." I whispered, my throat hoarse.

"If he ever steps foot in this town again he'll be sorry." Charlie spat out.

"He won't." I spoke in that same quiet voice defeated. I had no tears left. I had always believed in fate and for some reason this is what fate had in store for me.

"Bella it's not worth it. There'll be…" but before he could finish I cut him off. "Don't!" I practically yelled looking at him sharply. If there were others for me there would be others for _him _and I hadn't even considered that until it spewed out of Charlie's mouth.

"Sorry Bells." He looked contrite.

I noticed some water on the table behind him and pointed at it. After taking a few sips and temporarily cooling the fire in my throat I asked him how I ended up in the hospital. Apparently I got caught up on the rocks and one of the tribesmen who had gone to the beach to work on netting spotted me and pulled me out of the water. The doctor said I was lucky, that had I stayed under water any longer and I would have suffered brain damage. As it was I had multiple scrapes and cuts on my hands and face and several large spots that were sure to blossom into deep blue and purple bruises. My mind swirled back to the last time I'd been in the hospital and fresh tears brimmed behind my eyes but somehow I kept them at bay.

The rest of the night was uneventful. They kept me for observation. Charlie finally went home and got some rest and I stared at the ceiling processing what I had just been through. I was still heartbroken. I knew that. I could feel the hole in my chest. But my skin wasn't crawling with the pain anymore. I still felt empty. How could I not? Half of me had been ripped away by the man I love and he did it with the ease of slipping off a coat.

Things would never be the way he wanted. I could never be happy without him. But I can do what I'm good at, taking care of people. I'll stay here with my Dad. I'll finish school. And I'll visit my Mom when I can. I was alone when I came to Forks. I just needed to bring myself back to those days of burying myself in books or doing housework. I could exist.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hello. First off thank you to the few of you who are reading this. So I haven't forgotten about my other stories but I just felt like channeling depressed Bella tonight. I know this story may not seem original yet but it will make a twisting turn in the not too distant future. **

**As always reviews are welcome and thanks again for reading.**

Home. What was home? I had never really known. In Phoenix home was a place where I had taken care of Renee, where I succumbed to her whims like a parent to a child. In Forks it was a roof over my head. This house was a shelter for sporadic Christmas memories and occasional summers many years ago. Home. The only home I had ever found lay in an unbeating heart that was miles across the globe by now.

I stood at the bottom of the stairs praying for some reason not to ascend. But I would have no respite. "Bella?" my Father asked in a concerned tone. "I'm fine Dad." I replied with a weak smile and climbed my way to hell.

The door to my room was open and I stood at the precipice clutching the frame for support. Sometimes I thought I could still smell him, his sweetness washing over me like torture. My bed was a traitor. Every time I looked at it I saw his form waiting for me to crawl in next to him so he could whisper nightmares into my sleeping ears. I dumped my things on the bed dashing in and out quickly as though a monster would nip at my heels if I lingered too long, and I made my way to the bathroom.

The mirror is unkind. An empty shell stared back. It used to be a girl, a girl with hopes and dreams and a future. She is covered in scrapes and her eyes are adorned in black circles. I lift my shirt and pull at the edge of my jeans to examine my bruises. They are almost black in some places and edged in blues and purples like some sort of twisted sunset. A bitter chuckle escapes me. He was always so afraid of hurting me. He left me because he didn't want to hurt me. What would he think of this? It didn't matter. He would never know.

"Bells?"

My Father's voice shocked me from my reverie and I jumped turning to face him.

"Sorry Bells. Do you want something to eat?"

"No, but I'll make something for you if you like."

His eyes grew sad when I said that and he sighed. "Bella…" he began to chide and I decided to cut him off quickly.

"Don't you need to get to work?"

He stared at me, unsure of what to do.

"Dad, go. I'll be fine."

He turned and kicked the door frame. "Damn it Bella."

"I'm fine." I whined, trying to push him downstairs. "I got it out of my system. If it makes you feel any better I'll call you every hour."

He turned again to face me. "Promise me?"

"Yes, I promise. Now go."

I busied myself the rest of the day with housework and homework. These were familiar to me, comfortable. Angela had been kind enough to drop off the school assignments I had missed. I knew I should call her but I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone yet. I had been working in silence when I suddenly heard a knock at the door. I opened it to find a tall dark skinned boy with long sleek chestnut hair standing on my porch. A smile brilliant as the sun stretched across his face at the sight of me.

"Hey Bells!" he said pulling me into a bear hug, his heat enveloping me. Jacob Black was the son of my Father's friend Billy and someone I had vague memories of from when we were kids.

"Jake…" I stuttered as he released me. "What are you doing here?"

"Your Dad sent me to check on you." He replied brushing his way past me into the house. I groaned and rolled my eyes.

"Jake I don't need a babysitter." I said as I followed him into the living room.

"Tough Bella, you tried to kill yourself on my res so you have no say in the matter."

I couldn't help but smile at his words. This was one of the things I loved about Jacob. He didn't coddle me. He didn't mince words. I could always trust him to be honest with me and to not take any bull from me.

"Does this mean I'm your prisoner?" I asked plopping down on the couch next to him.

"Sure." He replied in a somewhat haughty air.

"Fine. What's on the duty roster for today?"

"Hmm…" he contemplated, tapping his finger against his chin. "I could teach you to be a grease monkey." He asked hopefully.

"On the truck?" I asked getting up from the couch.

"No, my stuff's back home."

"Oh Jake, I can't." I said backing away. "I can't go back there yet."

"Sorry Bells." He said standing. "How about a movie? Something mindless and violent."

"Sounds perfect." I said finally smiling, grabbing my coat off the hook and heading outside.

I tried to ignore the fact that it was sunny out.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: It seems I am the queen of short chapters at the moment. Oh well. To those of you that are reading this story, thank you. It means a lot to me because I really like this story and the ideas that I have for it. **

**Anyway, reviews are love but I think you guys know that. Thanks for reading.**

I wouldn't go so far as to say that I was happy but being with Jake was almost enough to make me forget. Almost. His good nature and brilliant smile were infectious and he always knew the right things to say to me when I was in a stupor.

We spent a lot of time going to the movies or playing video games, anything that was mindless and would distract me. And eventually he convinced me to go back to La Push so he could teach me how to work on cars.

I gripped the steering wheel tightly as we drove by the beach but Jake distracted me by telling me tales of his tribe and quizzing me on them. I learned about the shape-shifter stories, about the spirit quests, and about the shamans and healers. Billy and the other Quileutes made me feel at home. They made me feel welcome.

School was another matter. The first day back was hell. Apparently people think suicide is catching because everyone avoided me like the plague. The only person who even remotely acknowledged me was Angela but I couldn't bring myself to warm up to her. It's selfish I know, but all I could think about when I looked at her was Ben. She had someone that loved her. She was worth loving. I was not. So I kept my distance and tried to focus on my schoolwork.

But people are cruel, especially young people. There were many days that I found anonymous notes stuffed into my locker teasing me about my attempt to kill myself or telling me that I should just finish the job. Those were the days that I would lean against my locker with my eyes closed fighting off the tears and wondering if they were right. Those were the days when an innocent look around a room would reveal numerous ways to achieve the job.

A power cord; a medicine cabinet; the bathtub; all of these things became possibilities. The most tempting of all were my Father's guns but in the end I was too chicken to do that, and too kind. I couldn't bear the thought of him having to clean up such a mess.

So I found myself sitting on my bed with a razor blade held against my wrist. It seemed fitting somehow if I died by spilling the thing that had very first drawn him to me. But again I couldn't do it. It was the last thing I had to remind myself that he even existed. Everything else was gone.

Ironic that my blood would end up being the thing that saved me.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Finally another chapter. I know there aren't a lot of people reading this but I want to finish it and I do like it. **

**I wrote this chapter while listening to Mariee Sioux.**

It was a cold grey day when Jake took me to meet the Shaman. I had already met the council members and Elders but the Shaman was seemingly locked away like a prized possession. It was my own insatiable curiosity, my desire to have answers to everything that prompted the visit. Had it not been for my frequent visits, my friendship with Jake and my Father's friendship with Billy, I'm not sure I would have been allowed to meet her but I had been accepted as kin here. It wasn't the same as it had been with _them_ but it was better than the utter emptiness their absence had created.

The Shaman lived high on the cliffs, sequestered away from the rest of the tribe in an effort to keep her hidden from the tourists that poured in each year. Her home was little more than a tin shack with smoke coming out the roof. I don't know why but I was suddenly overcome with a sense of unease, of trepidation and I halted my steps staring at the door.

"It's okay Bella." Jake said, taking my hand. I looked at him questioningly but my attention was swiftly drawn back to the door as it opened and a young man, slightly younger than Jake, stood there ushering us in.

The room we entered was small and had a concrete floor. There were no windows but there was a wood stove in one corner that cast a warm light in the room making it seem as though it were night instead of the early afternoon it actually was. The room smelled of sage and the old woman sat in a corner working what appeared to be some kind of loom made from wood. She was stringing beads onto it and smiled kindly at us.

"Come child." She motioned to me, speaking in a gravely voice worn from many years. Her face was like leather and her long white hair was kept in a braid. I sat in front of her and Jake took a seat beside me. He had told me before that she did not speak English very well so he would likely have to translate much of the conversation. The simple fact of hearing her speak was going to be a memory to last a lifetime because theirs is a dying language. Their dialect is unique to their tribe and when they die out it will die with them.

I could barely discern her words as she spoke to Jacob. They came out in long strips that barely seemed to be words at all but after a time Jacob turned to me. "She wants to know why you hesitated outside. What it was that you felt that stopped you."

I tried to explain as best I could that it simply felt like I had hit some kind of wall or like I was crossing some sort of line that I wasn't supposed to. After another exchange in which the old woman seemed to nod approvingly Jake turned to me once more, looking slightly amused. Though he had respect for his culture he was skeptical of the legends and folklore.

"She says you are sensitive and that it's a good thing. The "wall" you felt was the protective circle around her home." The Shaman tapped Jacob on the shoulder and spoke again while nodding in my direction.

"She says she knows why you're here."

Their next exchange was almost heated. For the first time Jacob actually spoke back and it seemed as though he was trying to argue with her without offending her. She nodded to the boy who had been standing off to the side and without a word he disappeared into another room.

Jacob sighed in defeat. "She says she can help you. But Bella, these are just stories, just things to tell around a fire…" but before he could finish the Shaman was whacking him lightly with one of her sticks and chiding him. "Ow! Okay!" He huffed and turned back to me.

"It's called the 'lost soul cure'. She says she can see that half your soul is gone and carried in the heart of a man. If it is meant to be then this will return him to you." The boy stepped back into the room carrying a stiff leather pouch. Inside were Blackthorn branches wrapped in newspaper, parchment paper, and a small bag of coarse salt. The Shaman gave Jacob the specifics of what I was to do and then she turned to me and brushed her fingers along my temple. "You will always have home amongst the wolves." And she looked at me sweetly and sadly.

I was dazed on my way back to Forks. "Bella you aren't seriously going to go through with this are you?" he asked incredulously. I sighed and looked out the window at the trees racing by. Why not? At this point what did I have to lose? Worst case scenario nothing would happen and I'd feel like an idiot. Best case…well I couldn't quite bring myself to hope for the best case but at least I could say I tried.

"Yeah, Jake, I am."

"Well be careful, k'? I'm not too thrilled with everything she suggested."

"I'll be fine Jake. I'm pretty sure at this point that I actually have nine lives."

"Yeah, well you know what they say…curiosity killed the cat."

"You're forgetting the second part of that Jacob Black."

He raised his eyebrows at me.

"Satisfaction brought it back." And with that I let fate take me where it will.

That night I wrote everything she had told me down in a notebook so I wouldn't forget. I laid the items in the pouch out on the bed and ran my fingers over the bag of salt in wonder. Could this really work? Did I want it to? She said I had to believe, that I had to really want it and even then I couldn't force anything to happen. He had to want it too. But what if he didn't? What if he had truly meant every word he had said that day? Would I only be driving the knife deeper into me?

And yet I had to believe in fate. Every step brings us to the next. Mom meeting Phil, me moving here, me surviving the jump and because of that Charlie asking Jacob to check in on me which in turn led me to here and now, sitting on my bed staring at the gifts given to me by a woman I may never have met otherwise. That has to mean something, right?

Tomorrow I would know. Tomorrow I would return to the place it all ended and call my love back to me.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Hey all. Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed this. This chapter is where the story finally earns a bit of its M rating though there's no lemon. Sorry. It's just not quite that kind of story. Almost, but not quite. You'll see.**

Bella slept fitfully that night with the pouch cradled next to her. It was all she had to hang on to. He had taken everything, thorough to the last. Every photo, every gift, everything. Her dreams were filled with chasing him but he was always out of reach. She crawled through muddy banks, frozen snowdrifts and tangled tree limbs and he was always a step ahead, never waiting though she called out to him again and again. But her eyes were dry when she opened them. She left her tears in the ocean the day she jumped.

Charlie was gone for the weekend by the time she woke up and that was all for the best. How could she tell him she wasn't eating because an old woman on the Reservation told her not to? She couldn't. He would chalk it up to depression and stay home to keep an eye on her. This was crazy right? But no more crazy than wanting to die because the vampire you love with every inch of your soul left you.

So she spent the day staring out the window at the rain drizzling down and didn't eat a thing. She thought about the past, thought about where they were right at this moment. Did they ever think of her? Does Alice see any of this? Is he even alive? Would he be mad at me? Tell me I'm pathetic? Her heart sped through her chest with fear of what was to come.

When evening drew near Bella took a long bath in scalding water. She used no soap as instructed and tried to focus on what she wanted to happen tonight, on him coming back. For the first time in ages she forced herself to picture him fully, to remember every line and shadow, every perfect feature; she recalled vividly his smell, the coolness of his touch against her skin and her body responded. Her eyes fluttered closed and a familiar ache crept between her legs. She placed a hand over that spot that belonged only to him, cradling it as though to comfort it, as if to say _I'm sorry. I'm sorry you will never feel the things you should. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough._

After the bath she packed a bag with the necessary items and headed to the last place she saw him. Walking into that space was like walking into a thick black choking fog. She felt the edges of a panic attack creeping up on her as memories of that day flooded forward…

_I'll always love you… in a way._

_I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. It will be as if I'd never existed._

_You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind._

_I won't forget. But my kind… we're very easily distracted._

That last part was always the hardest for her. What did that mean, _distracted?_ Was there already someone else? Is that why he had left?

She built a small fire in the center of the clearing using some tinder from home and the Blackthorn branches the Shaman had given her. She took a deep breath and removed her clothes as the Shaman had instructed. She took the bag of salt and drew a large circle around the campfire and then knelt next to the fire watching the sky darken. She should have felt scared sitting naked in a forest alone but she wasn't. She had come face to face with death more than once and danced with the ghosts in the dark and nothing was going to stop her from trying to get back the only thing that had ever mattered.

She closed her eyes once again bringing him to mind, trying to picture where he was and what he was doing. She whispered his name, each breath a dagger in her heart, but she imagined him hearing it. She could see him cocking his head listening, wondering where it was coming from. That frustrated look creeping across his face and pinching the skin on his forehead when he couldn't solve something, so unused to not being in control. She pictured him coming back, telling her he loves her, telling her he's sorry. She let these images build in fervor and depth and emotion, adding details with every pass.

The scroll of parchment paper lay before her as does one small Blackthorn branch. She snaps off one of the large pointed thorns and pierces her finger with it watching the blood well on its tip. It glows in the firelight and its copper scent is mixed with the smell of burning wood and damp forest. Before it has a chance to dry she write Edward's name on the yellow paper three times and then tosses it into the fire. The flames sputter and spark and she take another deep breath.

_Elsewhere…_

_Edward's head snapped up and he scanned the room listening. He'd been sitting in front of the fire staring at it blankly while Alice sat nearby reading. She never strayed far from him since their family had left Forks. Alice looked at him questioningly._

Standing above the fire Bella took a fresh thorn and slid it across the palm of her hand letting the blood fall to the flames. The burning wood scent helped to cloak the smell of her blood that would normally have made her faint. _This is the last thing that I have. The last thing that ties me to him and the only thing that might bring him back._ She stares at the trickling red liquid in wonder. It was this very thing that had set all this in motion that had brought him to her in the first place and then cast him out, such a simple thing; common and yet vital. She stood and watched and waited and wondered.

"_Edward?" asked Alice._

_He was sniffing the air now, rising from his seat, his brow furrowed. His eyes landed on Alice and she let out a small cry of surprise at what she saw there._

_Edward was going home._

Bella lay next to the dying embers of the fire determined to wait until dawn. If nothing happened by then she would go home and have a good laugh at herself for believing in such nonsense. She was toying with a loose string on the sleeping bag when she heard it, a faint rustling just outside the circle. She froze.

"_Bella…"_ she heard him whisper, his velvet voice wrapping around her like sandpaper rubbing her raw. She closed her eyes and tugged the loose string free with a snap. _Breathe Bella, breathe._She thought to herself. _You're just delirious. You haven't eaten. You haven't slept. You're hearing what you want to hear._

"Bella, please." She heard him more distinctly this time and sensed that he had fallen to his knees a few paces away from her.

"Go away." She whispered quietly still keeping her eyes closed. This was all some sort of joke. It was almost morning. She'd been sitting in a forest naked all night cutting herself because an old woman told her to and she finally must be off the deep end like everyone thought. A single tear slipped out the corner of her eye and fell to the earth. She knew he didn't want her. This was impossible, foolish and childish.

She heard him shuffle, try to move forward and then hiss in retreat. "Bella look at me!"

Slowly she opened her eyes and lifted her head in the direction of his voice. And there he was, worn and tired looking but beautiful as ever. The look on his face was pleading and frustrated. He kept trying to crawl forward but he could never get past the circle of salt.

They stared at one another while Bella crawled to her hands and knees, her heart pounding furiously in her chest and her tears began to flow in earnest. "Y…you left me…you left me…" she stuttered out through her tears.

"Bella…" he pleaded, once again reaching for her and once again held back by the invisible wall.

"YOU LEFT ME! YOU FUCKING LEFT ME!" she screamed at him raising herself up to her feet.

He stared at her in shock, partly by her words and partly by her state of undress. Then he noticed the cut on her hand.

"Bella…what are you doing? What did you do?"

"She told me it would bring you back." She said looking down at her hand. "But only if you loved me. Only if it was meant to be. Do you love me Edward? Is that why you're here? Or is it because you want my blood?" There was a cold edge to her voice when she said that last part.

Again he tried to reach for her and again he couldn't. He screamed his own frustration and stood pacing.

"Do you have any idea what I went through?" she continued. "Did Alice tell you? You killed me that day Edward. So I tried to finish it. I jumped off the cliffs. You told me I would forget. I didn't forget. I dream about you every night and wake up screaming and crying every day. I needed it to end but I couldn't even do that right. You killed me Edward. You killed me more than anyone ever could have. More than James, more than Victoria, more than any other creature on this planet ever could have…"

"Stop it." He growled.

"No. I love you Edward. I always have and I always will. But I really wish right now that I could make you feel a fraction of the pain that you made me feel."

"You think I don't?!" He spun on her marching forward only to be stopped once again. "For God's sake Bella!" he exclaimed looking down at the salt line on the ground. "What the hell is this?!"

Bella stepped forward and faced him, mere inches separating them. "It's to keep your kind out."

She meant to say more but then they were staring at each other for the first time in months. Amber eyes staring into brown and without even realizing it they began to breathe in sync, each inhale and exhale mirroring the other. Their hearts and minds may have been screaming at each other but their bodies recognized the need to be together, the true place called home.

"Bella, please." He pleaded again quietly, this time raising a hand as if to cup her face but keeping it suspended between them. He finally let his eyes take her in fully, scanning her nude form for the first time ever. As he made his way back up her body he closed his eyes briefly and when he opened them again they were full of need and pain and love. "You are so beautiful. I need you Bella. I'm so sorry. So sorry."

She began to reach for him but then the anger took her again. She paced away from him curling her fists in frustration. "God! I want to hit you! Why do you have to be so damn unbreakable?!" she screamed and picked up one of the rocks she used to ring the fire with. She threw it at him with all her might knowing it was futile. He caught it effortlessly and tossed it back towards the fire and in doing so his arm crossed over the salt line.

_Over the salt line._

Realization hit them at the same time and they stared at each other for the briefest of seconds before Edward was on her, his mouth ravishing hers, holding her tightly to him.

"I'm still mad at you." She said in between kisses while she kept herself limp in his arms.

"I don't care." He replied and continued his attack on her flesh kissing all his favorite spots. Her lips, her jaw, her collarbone, and the pulse point just under her ear. He couldn't get enough. His hands slid along the bare skin of her back and he growled at the knowledge that only the thin layer of his clothes separated them. She may have been trying to act passive, act like this wasn't affecting her but she couldn't hide her body's reactions from his keen senses.

"There's no use pretending you don't like this Bella. I can smell you."

"Of course you can." She chided innocently.

"No." he said pulling back and giving her a heated look. "Here." He said, and pushed her center against him.

"Oh." She mouthed and buried her face in his shirt, finally clinging to him.

"Bella look at me."

She looked up but kept her hands wound in his shirt. He ran a hand through her hair and then along her blush stained cheeks.

"I love you. I never stopped loving you. I was stupid. I thought if I left you would go on and have a normal life. I didn't think you could love me nearly as much as I love you."

He leaned down and kissed her forehead. "Never again Bella. I will never leave you again."

There was a truth and a weight to his words that left her speechless so she simply stared at him until he pulled their bodies together once more and gently rocked her while taking in deep breaths of the air around her. "You've no idea Bella, no idea how much I've missed you." He spoke into her hair, cradling her.

"Will you do something for me?"

She began to protest but he pressed a pale finger to her lips. "Watch the sunrise with me?"

She nodded and went to fetch her clothes.

"Ah-ah." He said, gently grabbing her wrist and smiling for the first time that night. "I rather like you like this." He said, nodding at her naked body. He scooped up the sleeping bag and wrapped it around her before taking off through the forest with Bella in his arms.

Within a few minutes time they were on a high peak looking out over a green grey sea of trees. They sat next to each other as the first tendrils of sunlight crawled across the sky. She held his hand in her lap and watched as his skin began to shimmer and dance. She turned it this way and that, tracing its lines, unable to bring herself to look anywhere else.

"What are you thinking love?" he asked her.

"I'm waiting for you to disappear. If I look up you'll be gone. Just like all my other dreams."

He sighed and puller her into his lap. "I'm not going anywhere Bella. Ever. What can I do?"

"Nothing Edward." She replied, finally looking up at him. "There isn't anything you can do except keep your word and that's something that only time can tell."

"Time I have." He said, clasping her delicate face in his strong hands. He kissed her deeply as the new day broke above them.

There would be no more good-byes.

**A/N: I got this idea because I figured if there are vampires and werewolves and shape-shifters then why not magic? And I wanted a reunion that was a bit more realistic emotionally. One where Bella didn't immediately take him back and forget everything. One where he would have to work at things. But of course I also wanted them to be together. To me anger and passion are intrinsically linked so I wanted to show that here through their yelling and then the kissing. You can be mad at someone and still love them.**

**Anyway, hope it all made sense and I hope you enjoyed. **


	7. Chapter 7

They sat there in the growing dawn each lost in their silent thoughts. Edward held her tightly, occasionally drawing in whiffs of her scent, whether to acclimate himself or simply for the sake of not having been able to do it for so long Bella knew not. It all seemed so surreal to her and yet so beautiful. She could see a hawk circling in the distance and the rays of the elusive sun danced through the dew dotting the nearby leaves of grass. The air was cold and warm at once sending shivers along her skin.

"Do you want to know why I left?" he asked her, neither of them looking at each other but she could hear the sorrow in his voice.

"You already told me."

"I told you the barest of truths, almost a lie in its simplicity."

She waited.

"You are my Persephone." He stated simply.

At this she closed her eyes, a brief pang of sympathy slipped through her followed by a bitter taste on her tongue. She was about to speak when he continued.

"I knew. I knew and I didn't care. I took you to the meadow. I let you confess your feelings because it was what I wanted."

Edward went on, quoting from a poem.

"He built for her a duplicate of earth,

Everything the same, including sunlight,  
because it would be hard on a young girl  
to go so quickly from bright light to utter darkness

Gradually, he thought, he'd introduce the night,  
first as the shadows of fluttering leaves.  
Then moon, then stars. Then no moon, no stars.

He wants to say _I love you, nothing can hurt you_

but he thinks  
this is a lie, so he says in the end  
_you're dead, nothing can hurt you_  
which seems to him more true."

A little piece of her hidden heart broke but rather than try and argue with him she replied in kind.

"His voice was shy as April

hyacinths, his voice was sorrow

beyond the solace of all seasons.

His eyes were purple with

loss, vineyards of longing,

the thirst of desert roots."

She took Edward's face in her hands and forced him to look down upon her.

"My touch shifted like light

Across his skin.

Thus, like a small terrified beast,

Hades became mine."

She looked at him intently, willing him to understand the meaning behind her words but she was met only with the torture he inflicts upon himself so she ran her hands along his face like a mother comforting a child.

"Edward, you didn't trick me. There was no deceit, no kidnapping, no being held against my will. You condemned me to nothing. I loved you. Not because of what you are. Because of who you are. My love was a gift I chose only for you and you threw it away. From the beginning you've treated this as something one sided, something only in your hands, but I'm here too Edward. I'm part of this. You aren't taking me from anything. I'm offering myself to you."

He leaned his forehead against hers.

"But do you understand love? It's how I felt. How I feel. Like a monster dragging you into the night and damning you."

"I have free will Edward. If I didn't want to be with you I wouldn't be."

"Yes, but…"

She cut him off by placing a finger across his lips. "But nothing. I'm not a child."

"No, you're not" He said after she slid her finger away. "But you are shivering. Let's get you home." He carried her back to the fire pit so she could get dressed and gather her things and then they walked home tentatively holding hands.

It was an awkward path to her door. Edward wanted nothing more than to whisk her up to her bedroom and settle in with her as he had done so many times before but things felt so unsure now.

"Charlie's not home." He stated the obvious, as the cruiser was not in the drive.

"No, he's gone for the weekend."

Edward's lips quirked and he made a step towards the door but Bella blocked his way. She placed a hand on his chest, stopping him.

"I…I don't think I'm ready yet." She stuttered. Internally she was torn. Half of her was afraid that if she turned him away she would never see him again but the other half was so emotionally overwhelmed that she felt about ready to crack. She could see the pain forming in his eyes so she cut in before it took root.

"Edward, I love you. Don't think otherwise for even a second." She said grabbing onto his shirt just in case he did try to flee. "I don't know how to explain it but I think it might make me feel worse to have you lay next to me right now. It'll…remind me too much. Of what we had. I can't lose that again." She whispered that last part, breaking eye contact.

"Oh Bella." He replied, crushing her to him. "I'm so sorry. So sorry." He whispered into her hair.

"I just can't…" and tears started to leak out of her eyes. "I don't…"

"Shh…Bella… shh." He tried to comfort her, rocking her slightly. "Whatever you need." He said and kissed her. "Whatever you need…" he whispered in between kisses, and they were real kisses. Not the kind from before that were cold and calculated but the kind that were born from love and need and desire.

Bella got lost in them, dropping her bag to the ground, her heart racing ahead of her. "This." She whispered. "I need this." Her mind continued with the words her lips could not. _I need unadulterated. I need to feel wanted. I need to be made real._

He pushed her back against the door, claiming her mouth with his own in a heady embrace, as though he could finally hear her thoughts. Her body arched into his only to pull away again, breaking the laws of her own universe by removing her lips from his. Her hands gripped the door behind her seeking purchase that would not lead to shed clothing and hasty decisions. Edward's chest rumbled in frustration.

"I want to. I do." She tried to reassure him, leaning back towards him. She pecked him quickly and then receded. His mouth followed hers, his arms creating a cage around her.

"I just want to make sure…" she began.

"…that I'll still be here 'in the morning'." He finished.

"Yeah." She said, biting her lip and looking up at him.

"I will be Bella. I'll be here every morning." He promised and the conviction in his voice and in his eyes was clear.

"I'm holding you to that." She replied, one hand touching his face while the other opened the front door.

In a matter of minutes Bella was nestled into the comfort of her bed. Strange to think of it as a comfort again when for so long it had been torture. She scarcely had time to ponder this as she heard Edward humming her lullaby from just outside and it washed over her like the warmest of blankets soothing her to the first peaceful sleep she'd had in months.

**A/N: The poem Edward quotes is The Myth Of Devotion by Louise Gluck and the one Bella quotes is Persephone by B.A. St. Andrews.**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I'd like to give a special shout-out to ktsgran for the wonderful review and of course, as always, to TriGemini. Thanks guys. Hope you enjoy. And as you know reviews are love. Even for itty bitty fics like this one.**

Her sleep was an empty one and it was exactly what she needed. No waking up crying. No waking up with her heart nearly beating out of her chest because she'd had yet another dream of that day in the woods, reliving the panic she'd felt as he'd uttered those words that tore her in two, and turned away from her, leaving her there alone and broken.

Blessed silent simple sleep. Something people take for granted. Something denied her for months. Is this what love meant? It's true purpose? To rend our hearts and dampen our souls? These thoughts consumed her until she finally opened her eyes wondering what would happen were she to get up and look outside. Would he be there? Or would he be gone? A mere fragment of her imagination, her fragile and cracking mind. Or would he have simply realized once again that being with her was a mistake? A part of her always knew that he would come around to that conclusion, that it was all too good to be true.

So she stayed facing the wall, replaying the night over and over in her mind like a tortuous yet beautiful nightmare. The way he had smelled, the way he felt, the sound of his voice, and the memories proved too much. She began to cry softly realizing that it had to have been a dream or some hallucination brought about by the ritual. Her tiny fingers grasped the sheets tighter and she curled around herself like an infant. For a brief moment she looked through blurry eyes at her wrists, the thought of ending her life always dancing around the edges of her sanity.

"Bella, no." She heard Edward breathe out in a pained whisper.

She looked up and saw him standing above her and all of it crashed over her like a floodgate being opened. All of the love and grief and loss and terror washed through her and the best she could do was a weak whisper of his name in reply and then the sobbing took over. She had cried before, many, many times but this was different. It was like a purging, allowing herself to feel everything at once instead of compartmentalizing it all.

He was on the bed with her in no time, holding her close, trying to soothe her. She simply clawed at him, letting the emotions take over, keening and wailing. She hit him a few times, some of the anger that leaked out only hours before now returning. But eventually she weakened and curled into his side in defeat. She held onto his shirt in a death grip, staining it with her tears. Her eyes stung and her throat was hoarse from the ordeal. Did she feel better? No. Was this necessary? Yes. She needed to reconcile with the death of her former self; her body and the deepest parts of her being knew that even if she did not.

Edward pulled her closer, running his hand through her hair and kissing her forehead. Her breathing deepened and he could tell that she was heading back towards sleep so he pulled the covers back over her, thankful to be lying next to her. How stupid he had been, he thought to himself.

_I did this to her. I broke her. I killed her. And why? Because I'm arrogant? Because I thought I knew better? She fought for us while I simply ran away like a dog with its tail between its legs. And yet by a thousand blessed suns here I am lying next to her. She could have easily spurned me away but she didn't and I will spend every second of my life trying to make this up to her. I'm so sorry Bella. So, so sorry._

He began to hum her lullaby, all of his old instincts at the ready as though there had never been a skipped beat between the days.

"No Edward, please." She begged in a faint voice. And it cut him like a knife to know that a simple act of love brought her pain. Had he been able to shed a tear he would have. He was the one that was terrified now. Could they really work things out? Would she have him? Or turn him away once the shock wore off? But for the moment she still clung to him while she faded into sleep and for that he felt lucky. He hummed her lullaby in his head, never shifting an iota over the next couple of hours while Bella slept.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: So my two real life projects that were eating all my time have finally wrapped up. I should now be able to update all of my fics with more frequency. Thank you so much for sticking with me through this busy time. Special thanks to:**

**Litha-cullen: I am SO flattered that you wanted to translate my story.**

**And of course thank you to everyone who is reading this and adding it to their alerts and favorites. It has been getting a bit more traffic lately (maybe because of the impending release of New Moon?) and it makes me really happy because I am quite fond of this little fic.**

**As always, reviews are love.**

Bella fell into an exhausted slumber and Edward held her the entire time, reveling in the sensations when once upon a time they would have been torture. He no longer felt the burn in the back of his throat the way he so often had in the past. Indeed her smell was still delectable but the distance he'd endured and the lengths to which she'd gone to get him back seemed to have finally snapped him to the reality that her life was something he couldn't live without and that knowledge brought about a certain sense of freedom in her presence. The sound of her breathing, her beating heart, even the blood coursing through her veins were a comfort to him now, a bane, a salve to old wounds. He was coming to realize that the only monster inside of him was one of his own making.

A vampire's memory is supposed to be eidetic and for all intents and purposes it is and yet being here with her, feeling her warm body against his, soft and supple was nothing compared to how he'd remembered her. The silky texture of her hair, the satin feel of her skin, all served to endear her to him further and awakened in him a physical need for her that he'd denied almost from the moment he'd laid eyes on her. But rather than chastise himself for these thoughts he allowed them to flow over and through him, finally considering that they were normal. Not because he was 17, not because he was a vampire, but because he was a boy in love with a girl whom he found to be beautiful and intelligent and captivating. He didn't know what would come of all this but he vowed for her sake and for the sake of their relationship that from now on he would make an effort to stop any destructive thoughts in their path and turn them around into something positive.

It was twilight when she finally began to stir. Edward was looking out the window at the setting sun and recalling one of their many conversations from so long ago. He used to think that twilight was the saddest time of day because it was the end of another day and the return to night but all that had changed since meeting Bella. Nights had become anything but predictable and every second that led to the next was a gift so long as Bella was in it.

She tried to turn onto her back as her eyes fluttered open but Edward wouldn't release his grip on her, terrified of letting her go. She mumbled and placed her hand on his chest and looked into his eyes. Her face was blank but her eyes were searching, questing for that clue that he was about to leave, that he'd changed his mind, that he no longer loved her. That fear would always be sitting on the sidelines and she wasn't sure it would ever go away. Her heart skipped a beat when she briefly considered spending an eternity living with that fear.

Edward leaned in for a kiss and she lay still like a deer caught in headlights. Some distant part of her brain screamed that she should be pulling away, that she wasn't ready for this and yet another craved it. Their lips connected and what started out simple and sweet soon became fervent with need. But it wasn't just a physical need. It was the desert her body had become in his absence finally being quenched, it was that electric spark returned, and a desperate desire to engulf him, take him in so he could never leave.

Edward groaned and pulled her impossibly closer, their bodies flush, and pushed her lips open with his, entering her mouth with his tongue, something he had never allowed before. Bella tried to pull away.

"Mmph, Edward, my breath…" she whispered.

"I don't care." He replied as his lips reclaimed hers.

They kissed like that for several minutes, occasionally moaning, their bodies conformed to one another and that barren place Bella had thought would never be filled pulsed with a need born from the recognition that its mate was pressed firmly against her. But finally they stilled, their breathing heavy and synced.

"Wow." Stated Bella.

Edward gave her one of his crooked smiles. "I don't think you'll be able to keep me off of you now that I'm back." He said, punctuating his words with another kiss. She looked away, her need for him and her fear of him at war with each other.

"What are you thinking Bella?"

"I need to get out of bed." She said a bit more harshly than she meant. She softened her tone and continued. "I should take a bath and eat something and then maybe we could go for a walk or something." She could already feel herself slipping back into old habits. She knew it wasn't healthy and she knew she'd have to curb it but she also knew that with her Father being gone for the weekend she should probably take advantage of it. He'll likely try to kill Edward once he knows he's back so any sort of quality time will be out the window at that point.

"I'll run your bath, love."

"Edward." She sighed in exasperation.

"What?" he asked in genuine confusion.

"I don't know how to say this without it sounding terrible but…please don't call me love. Not yet anyway."

He looked so sad when she said this that guilt washed through her.

"I'm sorry Bella." He replied, looking away as he sat up. "I won't do it again."

She sat up behind him and laid a hand on his shoulder. "I'm not saying for forever Edward. Just for right now. I do love you. I just haven't forgiven you yet."

He placed his hand over hers and turned his head to look at her. His expression was still sad but he managed a small smile.

"I'll go run your bath now." He said patting her hand.

Bella got up while he was in the bathroom and padded down to the kitchen in search for food. She was absolutely famished yet didn't feel like cooking. She set some water on the stove for tea while she perused the cabinets. _Sandwich? No. Cereal? No. Pasta? No. _She sighed inwardly, becoming frustrated at her inability to choose. She was still standing in front of the open fridge when Edward came downstairs to inform her that her bath was drawn.

She shut the fridge door with a thud and turned to him.

"I'm hungry." She whined.

He chuckled. He could practically see her desire to stomp her foot. "What do you want Bella?" He had to exert a mental effort not to call her love.

"I don't know." She replied, looking around the room as though it might give her an answer. "I think I'm so hungry that I want everything and yet I've gotten past the point of hunger so that nothing sounds good."

She continued to think while she tended to her tea.

"Steak!" she exclaimed, twirling to face him, happy that she'd thought of something. "I want steak. And French fries."

"Do you have steak?" he asked.

"No, not really. I mean yes but it's for Charlie's dinner." She thought for a moment. "I hate to ask this but do you think…"

"Anything Bella." He said suddenly right in front of her and holding her.

"Edward, it's only steak. It hardly qualifies as a valiant effort. It's not like saving a princess."

"I could find a cow." He retorted. "Slaughter it. That way we'd both get a meal."

"You're right." She said, looking up at him and running her fingers along the dark circles under his eyes. "You should eat."

"I'll be quick. I promise." He whispered, and turned to leave.

"Edward?" Bella called after him.

"Yes?" he said, turning back to her.

"Can you get me a cheese steak from the drive-in? And fries?" She gave him a small comforting smile.

"One cheese steak coming up Miss Swan. Anything else?"

"Just you." She said, turning back to her tea and hiding the genuine smile on her lips. This newfound banter between them was refreshing and she was looking forward to the rest of the evening.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Short chapter but at least I updated more quickly this time right? I'm glad you guys were amused with the cow comment in the last chapter. I'm trying to infuse a bit of humor here and there as this is a pretty emotional story. **

**As always, thank you for reading.**

By the time Edward got back Bella was through with her bath and dressed in jeans and a sweater. The somewhat jovial mood she had been in when he left had quickly dissipated in his absence. All of the old fears flooded back into her sending her heart into overdrive as she paced the house waiting for him. Even her tea threatened to heave itself from her stomach.

She replayed the events of the last twenty-four hours in her head. She knew that if he left again that would be it. She wouldn't be able to cope. What little she had left of herself would disappear with him. She found herself walking to the front door and peering out the side window into the cool night air looking for him and a part of her felt angry at herself for feeling so desperate. She grasped the sides of the window frame so tightly that little chips of the old wood fell to the floor.

She spun away from the window and continued her pacing looking around the living room for something to take out her anger on but found nothing suitable. Most everything in there belonged to her Father and she certainly wasn't going to destroy anything of his just because of her fragile emotions. She lifted her head and closed her eyes letting out a groan of frustration.

"Bella?" came the honey voice from behind her.

She turned and found Edward standing there holding a brown paper bag that quite obviously contained her food. She could smell the grease and iron scent of the beef from across the room. He looked better. The circles under his eyes were gone and he seemed brighter, more alive. Edward had always referred to himself as something dead but she didn't believe that for one second.

"Bella, what's wrong?" he asked, and she realized that she had been standing there staring at him.

She looked away, slightly embarrassed, and mumbled her reply. "I was looking for something else to throw at you."

He chuckled and she shot daggers at him with her eyes.

"I'm sorry Bella." He said, looking contrite. "I didn't mean to laugh at you."

_Well that's a turn of events, _she thought to herself. Old Edward laughed at her frequently without apology. _I could get used to this._

She sighed and took her bag from his hands and returned to the kitchen where she sat at the table and laid out her meal. Edward sat across from her and kept silent, careful not to watch her so he didn't make her feel uncomfortable.

Despite her stomach's protests while Edward was out Bella was quite hungry and quickly ate her food which seemed to ease her mood slightly. Halfway through her sandwich she finally spoke up.

"So did you have to kill a cow to get this?" she asked holding up the cheese steak but still not making eye contact with Edward.

"No." he replied, and she could hear a small smile in his voice. "But I did grab something for myself while I was out."

"I can tell." She said softly. "Your eyes look brighter and you just look…better somehow."

Taking in a deep breath she took a couple more bites of her sandwich and then pushed it away. "I'm full." She declared even though it was only half true. Again she noticed another minute change in Edward. Normally he would have gotten up and put everything away or told her that she should eat more or some other thing that a parent would do towards a child. She was grateful for this change and made a mental note to thank him later. Right now all she wanted to do was get out of the house.

She pushed her chair back and stood, making it squeak as it slid over the linoleum. "Can we go for that walk now?" _Damn, _she thought to herself, chastising herself for asking permission rather than just stating. This was going to take work on both their parts.

"Of course." He said, giving her another small smile.

After she brushed her teeth and threw on a coat they were out on the road with the stars shining above them. For some reason the skies often seemed clear at night despite the days being filled with rain. She felt Edward's fingers ghost the underside of her hand and knew what he wanted.

"May I?" he asked timidly.

"I don't know." she whispered. It was an honest answer. Part of her wanted to and part of her was terrified to give away any more pieces of herself to him.

"I'm sorry if I'm hurting you." She said looking up at him as they walked. And she meant it. Despite the hell she'd been through she wouldn't wish it on anyone, not even him. Her actions and emotions had nothing to do with vengeance and everything to do with figuring out where all the puzzle pieces went. The image of Humpty Dumpty flashed through her mind and she gave a small laugh. His brows knit in confusion.

"I was just thinking of a nursery rhyme, that's all." She reassured him.

"I still wish I could get inside your head." He said.

"Believe it or not I wish I could get inside yours." She replied.

"Why?" he asked, curious.

"So I could try and understand. So I can see what you went through, how it all looked to you. I don't know anything other than what you tell me and I can't trust what you tell me."

"Bella you can ask me anything. I swear I'll tell the truth. No more hiding anything from you."

She wanted to believe him but the broken part of her held back. _Still, _she thought, _it won't hurt to ask._ They did need to talk after all.

"Will your family be coming back?" Other than the one question that scared her deeply, this was the most pressing in her mind. She could hardly handle him being back never mind the entirety of his kin.

"No. Not yet."

She saw his hand twitch towards hers and then pull back. It was such a natural instinct to want that physical bond, to close the gap between them. In spite of her anger she felt the undeniable pull along with pity at making him restrain so much of himself. So she reached out and clasped her hand in his while she thought of what else to ask.

Thinking about his family was painful. She still loved them. She missed them. But like with Edward she didn't know if things could ever be the same again. So she opted for a somewhat safer train of thought.

"Rosalie must be thrilled." She snorted.

Edward looked shamed at that. "I wish it weren't like that." He said. "I know it hurts you to be disliked by someone who hasn't even bothered getting to know you. And now with this…well, she feels vindicated." He paused. "I wish I could give you some answer, tell you some hidden fact as to why she feels the way she does but I really don't have one. There are things about her past, things I'm not at liberty to discuss that may play a part in it. But still, I find her behavior inexcusable and I'm sorry for any pain it's caused you."

"It's okay Edward. On the grand scale of pain that one lies well towards the bottom." She instantly regretted her words realizing they probably sounded cruel and she really hadn't intended it that way.

By now they had passed through the center of town and were coming up on Tillicum Park. Bella stopped them and turned to stand in front of Edward.

"I'm sorry Edward." She said, taking his hands in hers. "I didn't mean that to sound as harsh as it did." She kissed the tops of his fingers and waited for the self loathing comments that were sure to come out of his mouth but when she looked up he had a smirk on his face.

"Want to go play in the park?" he asked, mischievously, nodding towards it.

"Yeah." she said, smiling back.

Edward put his arm around her shoulder as they walked in and this time she didn't protest.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Hi everyone. I am, once again, sincerely sorry for taking so long to update. **

**Thank you to everyone reading this and reviewing. Special shout-out to brokentragedy2. Your reviews honestly keep me writing this.**

**Enjoy…**

We played, the rolling mist damp night air making our skin slick and my hair frizz. But I didn't care because I felt happy. Or at least as close to happy as I'd been for awhile. Seeing Edward like that, free and childlike was amazing. It was honestly something I never thought I'd see. I wondered if he had ever played like this as a child. Did they even have playgrounds back then? I must have been staring at him in wonder because he questioned me.

"Bella?" he asked, with a slightly goofy grin.

I hopped off the swing I'd been on and turned to face him.

"I was wondering what you were like as a child. If they had playgrounds…"

He laughed. "Yes, there were playgrounds but not many. It was a new concept but Chicago was a big city even then. I don't remember much though." His face turned sad when he said that last part.

I started walking towards the old Shay engine hoping to escape the sour note of the conversation. I hadn't intended to make him sad and I frankly couldn't bear it at the moment. I could hear his footsteps behind me and knew he was doing that on purpose. I climbed up onto the old engine and Edward squeezed in next to me while I gazed at a break in the clouds, the silver light of the moon streaking through and casting us in its ethereal glow.

"Would you really have done it?" he whispered.

"Done what?" I asked, looking at him.

"Traded the sun for the moon and the stars?"

I thought back to yesterday morning when we quoted poetry to each other, each of us trying to convey our fears and our love through the words of others and I smiled, feeling a momentary tenderness towards him.

"Edward," I said, cupping his cheek, "the moon and the stars are still sunlight."

He looked perplexed as though I were speaking another language and it made me smile more. To think that such basic truths were out of his grasp was actually somewhat endearing and I loved the idea that I could perhaps teach him something. Not the science of it of course. Edward was far beyond me in that department. But it was like seeing the forest through the trees. He just couldn't do it when he wound himself so tightly in the details as he was wont to do.

I pulled my hand back and raised my sleeve exposing the slender pale length of my wrist to the moonlight.

"That light," I said, nodding at the moon, "is nothing more than reflected sunlight. And those stars," I said, nodding at the sky, "are but a billion suns shining down on us. I wouldn't be trading anything. And yes, I would have done it." I almost said, _in a heartbeat, _but then thought better of it.

"Bella those stars are dead."

I didn't have to look at him to know that his face would be filled with anguish and self-hatred.

"It doesn't make them any less beautiful." I replied, finally looking at him.

"Bella, how can you…?"

But I cut him off.

"Edward, you've always thought yourself a monster."

He made to speak but I clamped my hand over his mouth and his eyes softened.

"You think of yourself as not human, as less than human but you couldn't be more wrong. You're a butterfly Edward. You are to us as a butterfly is to a caterpillar. You transformed into something more. Something different yes, but something still innately human. Not alien, not ugly, and most definitely not a monster."

I let my fingers fall from his lips so that he could speak.

"How do you do that Bella?" he asked in wonder.

"Do what?"

"See the beauty in everything?"

"Because it's there Edward. All you need to do is look."

And look he did. Straight into my soul and for the first time since our reunion I felt myself slipping into him and losing myself. He leaned forward, backing me up against the cold steel of the empty engine.

"Edward…" I stuttered. "I know you think I'm beautiful…" The words came out as a whisper.

"Do you?" he asked, amused, as he inched his body closer to mine.

But I was determined to be, well, determined. "I'm trying to tell you that there are other beautiful things in the world Edward." I spoke in a jumbled rush as he leaned in.

"Oh, I don't doubt it." He said matter of factly. "But I don't much care at the moment." His lips were mere inches from mine now. "I'm going to kiss you now Isabella. Unless you tell me not to, I'm going to kiss you."

He waited for the barest of seconds and when I didn't protest his lips were on mine, possessive and fierce and so _different._ Gone were the chaste kisses. Gone was the fear. Gone was the desperation born from separation. This was pure heat and desire and love and though technically he was taking and not giving I was glad for it, glad that he let down his guard. It felt _normal._ This is what teenagers do. They make out in public places on Saturday nights. For the first time in our relationship I felt like a girl. A normal girl out with her normal boy and the only danger I could fathom at the moment was getting caught necking by a townie or one of my Dad's co-workers.

I'm not sure how long we embraced but I know it was long enough for even Edward to appear out of breath despite that being impossible. When he pulled back a new kind of hunger was alight in his eyes and his voice was filled with need.

"Let me stay with you tonight Bella. Please."

I couldn't deny him. I wanted to. I was scared and angry and sad and yet I also knew this was the last night we had before Charlie came home and if I let it pass without Edward there with me I'd question myself forever after.

He was running his fingers over my kiss swollen lips so I merely nodded my reply and before I knew it I was wrapped tightly around him as he sped us home. His mouth never left mine the entire way.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: I want to thank all of you for your support and kind words during my time of feeling down. It meant the world to me and I am feeling much better now.**

**Baynewen: I'm sorry I made you cry? Well, okay, not really because it's a huge honor that I was able to make you feel such emotions. Thank you.**

**Brokentragedy2: Thank you so much for everything. Your encouragement and reviews continue to keep me going.**

**And I don't know if she reads this but I wanted to give a special shout-out to Aleeab4u. I am so happy that my reviews have turned into the dialogue that we have going. You understand what I'm doing so well and your support means so much to me. Thank you.**

**And of course thank you to everyone who reads, reviews, alerts, etc this story. I kind of think of this story as "the little story that could". It's the least popular of my WIPs but in some ways it's my favorite to write so I'm glad that at least some people are enjoying it.**

He finally released me when we were standing in the hallway just inside the front door. I was overwhelmed and breathless. So many times I had wanted this and he had to wait till now? Till after he left me broken? I was irked to say the least.

Holding up my hand in a stop gesture I spoke. "Edward, no." I said as he stepped forward.

He just grinned at me cocking his head to the side and seeming quite proud of himself. It did not escape my attention that no apology was forthcoming and I made a mental note in his favor. Old Edward would have backed away and profusely apologized for jeopardizing my virtue.

We stood looking at each other for a moment and then I shyly turned away intimidated by the passion he had released and that he seemed eager still to let loose once more. I was trying desperately to think of something safe we could do for the rest of the evening. Watch a movie? Read? Play a game? What do you do when your suddenly amorous vampire boyfriend returns after breaking your heart and asks to spend the evening with you?

"Bella what are you thinking?"

"Just trying to decide what to do with the evening."

At that moment the phone rang and I thanked whatever god there was for saving me from that awkward moment. I rushed into the kitchen and picked up the receiver.

"Hello?" I asked, almost too enthusiastically. I could sense Edward's presence hovering near me.

"Bells? You okay?" My Father's voice conveyed his sudden concern.

"I'm fine Dad. I just came in from a walk."

"A walk? At this hour? Bells that's not safe."

"I'm fine. I didn't go far."

"Are you sure you're okay? I can come home if you want me to." I could hear the weariness in his voice.

"No, I'm okay, I promise. I'm sorry if I worried you. I'm probably just going to watch a movie or something and then go to bed."

"Alright." He sighed. "You know I love you right Bells?"

I teared up when he said this, my chest tightening with guilt. "I know Dad. I love you too." My reply was quiet and shamed.

"Okay kid. Keep your chin up. I'll see you tomorrow."

"K', night."

"Night." And then the line went dead.

I put the receiver back in its cradle and leaned against the wall momentarily forgetting Edward's presence behind me.

"Bella?" He said, and I could tell he was right behind me. He laid a hand on my shoulder and gently turned me to face him and once again he looked so torn and lost and anguished. I could tell he'd be crying if he could and I didn't entirely understand why until I realized he must have been able to hear Charlie's thoughts and I immediately straightened up trying to show strength in my posture. Anything to distract him so that he wouldn't pity me.

His hand was trembling on my shoulder.

I sighed. There was no escaping this. Logically I knew that. If he ended up spending any time amongst the townsfolk or students of Forks High he'd find out.

"What did you hear Edward?"

"Enough. Too much." His face was a mask of pain.

"Don't cry Edward." I said even though I knew it was a ridiculous statement.

He cradled my face in his hands searching for words. Instead he pulled me to him and crushed me in a hug. His whole body was shaking. I wrapped my arms around him trying to soothe him. I never wanted him to feel this kind of pain. In the darkest depths of my despair and anger I wouldn't wish this on him or anyone else I loved.

He pulled away suddenly but still held me by my shoulders. "Tell me you can forgive me Bella. Please. Tell me it's not too late." He begged.

And I knew I would. I knew a part of me already had. But now it was my turn to not find the words. So I simply nodded my head.

He pulled me back to him and kissed the top of my head. "I'll do anything you want. Anything. Name it and it's yours." He whispered into my hair.

I didn't know what I wanted from him. I just knew that I needed this moment to end. Thinking about it caused the hole in my chest to flare with memories I did not want.

"Let's just go listen to some music or something." I suggested, pulling away from him.

"Alright." And he smiled sadly at me.

We moved into the living room and I turned on the floor lamp next to the couch casting a warm glow over the room. Turning on our ancient stereo I popped in a mix tape of some quiet music that I had made. When Edward had left I couldn't bring myself to listen to anything happy so I had taken to singer/songwriter type stuff. Things that were quiet or brooding and deep. Things that fit my mood.

I reached into my backpack that was still leaning on the couch from when I had returned home from school on Friday and retrieved my notebook. I plopped myself down on the couch nearest to the lamp.

Edward sat down at the other end seeming unsure of himself or perhaps he was just giving me privacy.

"What are you writing?" He asked in a quiet voice.

So much for privacy but I wasn't about to tell him what I was writing. Even though it was about him I wasn't sure I would ever show him and I prayed that he never snooped into any of my notebooks because he would surely be distraught if he did. I'd written pages and pages of my thoughts and feelings in the time that he was gone. I was careful to avoid any incriminating information in regards to the nature of his family on the off chance that my Father found the notebook but I desperately needed somewhere to get my thoughts out. I had no one to talk to. No one who would understand the depth of my loss.

"Nothing." I replied, not even looking up at him.

He didn't push for which I was thankful. A part of me felt guilty because he was just sitting there doing nothing.

"Do you want a book to read?" I asked.

"No, that's okay." He said shaking his head. "Actually I should probably call Alice. I left rather abruptly."

Her name spoken aloud made my heart skip a beat but I quickly calmed down and went back to writing.

Edward rose from the couch and I heard the front door click shut as he stepped outside to make his phone call. I was glad that he did because I didn't think I could handle feeling like she was so close and yet so far away and as soon as I had that thought I realized what I wanted to do, what I wanted to share with him, something that might give him hope.

I got up, sliding my notebook onto the end table and went to retrieve the film. At least we had a DVD player. I was kneeling down in front of it when Edward returned and he looked at me questioningly.

"Have you ever seen Wings of Desire?" I asked him.

He shook his head no. I was slightly surprised at this. I think I had just assumed that someone who'd lived as long as he had would have seen everything. My surprise must have shown on my face because he smiled and spoke up.

"Movies have never been much of my thing." He shrugged.

'Oh' I thought to myself. Maybe this was a bad idea?

"What's the film about?" he asked.

"I'd rather you just watched it." I said cryptically.

"Alright. I trust you. Will you sit next to me?"

I sat next to him curling my feet up on the sofa. I shut off the light opting for a more cinema like experience. The opening voice over began.

_When the child was a child, it was the time of these questions. Why am I me, and why not you? Why am I here, and why not there? When did time begin, and where does space end? Isn't life under the sun just a dream? Isn't what I see, hear, and smell just the mirage of a world before the world? Does evil actually exist, and are there people who are really evil? How can it be that I, who am I, wasn't before I was, and that sometime I, the one I am, no longer will be the one I am?_

The film was a bittersweet mix of life and death and love and loss. Realistic in its visions and yet never despairing. And there was a love story. One that in some ways mirrored our own which is exactly why I had chosen this film. But instead of lamenting their inability to be together they made the best of what they had and dared to dream for more.

The character of Marion, the love interest, spoke:

_Longing. Longing for a wave of love that would stir in me. That's what makes me clumsy. The absence of pleasure. Desire for love. Desire to love._

I instinctively clasped Edward's hand tighter in my own and he returned the gesture with a gentle squeeze.

The other main character, Damiel, is an immortal angel unable to exist in the physical realm of humanity. So he watches over Marion as he falls in love with her praying for humanity so that he can meet her and be with her. Finally towards the end of the film he achieves his goal and meets her and they sit comfortably together as if they had always known each other.

The film ends with _to be continued…_

Another reason I chose it and I hoped the innuendo was not lost on Edward. I may not be able to speak aloud the words floating through my head but I could try and convey them in other ways. He was smiling when the DVD clicked off and I turned the light back on.

"Thank you." He whispered, and I was happy that he seemed to understand. I raised his hand to my lips and kissed it tenderly.

"I should go to bed." I said, noting the extremely late hour.

He nodded, looking at me with love.

I finished up downstairs, shutting lights off and putting things away, while debating whether or not to shower. It was a habit I had gotten into when Edward first started spending his nights with me but after he'd left I'd gotten out of the habit. I decided to simply freshen up, washing my face and brushing my teeth.

When I reached my bedroom Edward had already pulled the blankets back and was lying on his side, shoes and socks off but still clad in his jeans and t-shirt. He had rarely let us sleep without rolling me up like a burrito in my sheets so I had to admit I was a bit excited at this change of etiquette.

I climbed in next to him and snuggled close and he spoke in a hushed voice.

_Some day, if I should ever lose you,__  
__will you be able then to go to __sleep__  
__without me softly whispering above you__  
__like night air stirring in the linden__tree__?___

_Without my waking here and watching__  
__and saying words as tender as eyelids__  
__that come to rest weightlessly upon your breast,__  
__upon your sleeping limbs, upon your lips?_

"No." I whispered meekly back at him. "I couldn't survive it again if you left." I admitted in a moment of vulnerability.

"Neither could I." he replied, kissing my forehead. "Never again Bella. Never again."

And I fell asleep with his promise laid over me like a blanket.

**Another A/N: I just wanted to let you know that both the film and the poet in this chapter are real and I highly recommend them. The poem is by Rainer Maria Rilke.**

**I also have a question. An idea for a small lemon came to me and I'm wondering how you would all feel about that since this isn't really that kind of story. I would try to make it as tasteful as possible of course. It just seems natural to me that their physical relationship would grow along with their emotional one but if you guys are totally against the idea I won't do it. I'm not talking a full on sex scene, just a little bit of…I don't even know what to call it but it would definitely be adult themed.**

**Let me know?**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Well this is a first for me. Another chapter in less than 24 hours. This is the lemony fluff I was talking about. I really feel like it should have been part of the last chapter but I had been worried about how my readers would respond. And I still feel slightly worried because I've hardly given anyone time to respond to my question. But the people who did respond gave me great encouragement so it is thanks to them that you are reading this.**

**Baynewen, brokentragedy2, and ktsgran I owe you guys. Your words are magic to me and I hope this chapter lives up to any expectations you might have.**

**If there is anyone reading this who does not want to read sexual content feel free to skip this chapter. I won't be offended. You won't be missing any major plot points. Just know that they are stretching their boundaries a bit as I feel is natural.**

**I tried as much as possible to keep this tasteful and in character. I hope I succeeded.**

Bella lay against Edward nearly on top of him. During the night she had curled herself ever closer to him and for this he was thankful. It meant that some part of her was finally letting her walls down. Even if she wasn't ready to admit it or say it out loud her subconscious self was reaching out to him and he reveled in it. He didn't know if he could ever get back what he had but he was grateful for whatever he got, whatever she was willing to give.

And he'd meant it when he said he'd do anything she wanted. _Anything. _He'd change her if that's what she wanted. He'd make love to her if that's what she wanted. He was sure now that he could. Being away from her for so long and then seeing her again, and not just seeing her but seeing her _nude _had made him realize that the only hunger he had for her was that of a man. Gone was the bloodlust, gone was the torture of being near her and having to fight his nature. Seeing her in that clearing naked and angry had been like watching a wild thing. It was a glimpse into the woman he knew she could be.

Just then Bella stirred against him and he realized that in his dazed state of pondering the more carnal aspects of her that he had been rubbing his thigh slowly between her legs and that she was responding. He stilled himself feeling slightly ashamed but Bella continued to move against him. He could feel the heat emanating from the place he had longed to touch and decided to go with it. To give her this small pleasure, any amount of pleasure, would feel like atonement to him. He knew in the past he had made her feel unworthy and unwanted and he never wanted her to feel that way again.

Their movements were very tiny but he was sure she was sensitive to it as the fabric of her shorts was so thin. He placed a hand at the small of her back so as to press her more tightly against him in the hopes of increasing what she was feeling, what he knew was building in her. He was not immune to the sights and smells and sounds before him but he locked away his ratcheting desire in favor of pleasing the girl whom he loved so dearly.

As was to be expected she started to wake, the increase in her heartbeat giving her away, and she froze lifting her head slightly. Edward paused only for a moment and whispered to her.

"Don't stop darling, please don't stop." And he resumed his movements between her thighs while using his free hand to run over her hair in what he hoped was a comforting gesture.

She thought for a moment, a deep part of her registering how out of character this was for him, but in her haze of sleep that ache that had never been filled won out. She rocked against him, her hands clutching at the fabric of his shirt. This felt so completely different than her own fumbling explorations. It was that same electricity that they had always shared but it had concentrated itself in her womb and pulsed and flared like a sun about to go nova and she found herself moving even more forcefully against him as her breathing sped up.

"That's it my beautiful girl." Spoke Edward as he helped her along, guiding her with the hand at her back and his other hand wound in her hair. "Let it go Bella. Don't be afraid."

And that was all it took. She seized up against him, her body curling inward while her breathing stopped. Her eyes were locked shut but still she saw shades of red and black shooting behind her lids. Every part of her seemed to be alive in a way she had never felt before as though her nerve endings were released from bindings she never knew were there. The bliss she was feeling seemed to implode where Edward's leg rested and then it rolled out in waves washing the entirety of her being.

She let out the tiniest of sighs when she finally started breathing again and when she came down from her high the reality of what had just happened settled upon her and her face flushed the deepest shade of red. She buried it against his cool chest and refused to look at him.

Instinctively he knew that he shouldn't push her in this moment so he let her be. He placed a kiss on the top of her head and began to hum her lullaby. This time she didn't stop him.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: I want to give a very special thank you to Aleeab4u who was kind enough to let me bounce some ideas off of her. Even though she doesn't yet know what I finally decided on she was instrumental in getting my brain working and feeling inspired to do this.**

**Also shout-outs to:**

**Marajade30: Thank you so much for your continued support and reviews. It's really nice to know that there are people out there who get this little fic and appreciate it.**

**EdwardsCandyCane: Yes, there is hope. Thank you for reading and reviewing.**

**Brokentragedy2: You know I love you right? Thank you so much for your awesome words and encouragement.**

**RubyLou: Thank you for saying so. That's exactly what I was going for.**

**Saritadreaming: Ha, guess you caught up on my fic huh? Yes, I'm glad that I decided to continue it and I hope you're glad too.**

**Baynewen: Thank you so much for your review. And yeah, this could get long. What I envision right now will definitely take us through all of New Moon though obviously a bit different since he's back already.**

**Ktsgran: I'm so glad you liked it and that I was able to get it just right. I was VERY nervous.**

**And of course thank you to anyone and everyone reading this. This fic may not get a lot of reviews but the ones it does get are awesome. Quality over quantity eh?**

**That being said, reviews are love…**

"Oh God." Bella woke with a start, the memories of last night flooding her mind. She quickly rolled over away from Edward burying her hands under the pillow and fighting to not look at him.

"Bella?" He reached out a hand tentatively. He could hear her heart racing and wanted nothing more than to calm her. She could feel him roll onto his side to face her and as soon as his cool hand grazed her arm she recoiled.

"Get out."

"What?" He asked, perplexed.

"Get out!" She shouted.

He sighed and she felt the mattress lift as he got up.

"I love you Bella." He whispered when he got to the door.

When he was gone so many thoughts raced through her mind. Thoughts of the weekend, thoughts of the ritual she had performed to get Edward back, and that in turn made her think of Jacob. Right now she needed the ear of a friend but as much as she thought it might be better to talk to a girl there was no way she could talk to Angela about how Edward came back.

She rose, placing her feet on the cold wooden floor her shoulders slumped with the weight of the weekend. Charlie would be home soon and she hated lying to him. It wasn't something she was very good at. So maybe some time with Jacob would help steel her and refresh her a bit.

After taking what Edward referred to as a "human minute" which really was quite longer than a minute, she went downstairs and called Jake. Billy answered the phone and seemed frantic like he was expecting a call.

"Billy?" Bella asked, concerned.

"Oh, hi Bella." He sounded disappointed.

"Is Jake around?" She began to worry.

"Yeah…well, no, I mean he's not here at the house but he's on the Res."

"Oh." I said disappointed.

"Why don't you come on down, Bella. He could use the distraction right now."

"Why? What's going on?"

He sighed. "Sam Uley is missing." He said flatly.

"Oh my God. Does my Dad know?

"Yeah. He's been busy all morning talking to people and looking around. He's back at the station now putting out calls to all the local law enforcement offices."

"Maybe I should call him. Or go over there…" Bella wondered out loud.

"No Bella. Let him do his job. Come on over and try to calm Jacob down. He and the other boys are really put out over the whole thing."

"K', Billy I'll be right over.

Bella made good on her word and made it to the Reservation in record time, especially considering her beat up truck could hardly make it over fifty. She parked next to the red shack of a house that the Blacks called home and Billy was waiting in the doorway for her.

"He's down on the beach Bella." He nodded in the general direction of the ocean.

She waved a thank you and headed down as fast as she could. She found him there with Quil and Embry.

"Jake!" She called out.

All the boys turned to look at her. Jake looked relieved and the others looked just plain worried. Jake met her halfway while the others wandered off.

"You heard huh?"

"Yeah." She whispered, unsure of how to comfort him. He was the one who had always been good at that sort of thing, not her.

"What can I do?"

He sighed, sounding very much like his father, and then turned his gaze out to the water. "Can you find him? Bring him back?" He said it with a bitter smirk on his face and though she knew he was only trying to joke it still broke her heart.

"I'm sorry Jake."

He looked back at her and finally gave her a bit of a smile. It was a mere shadow of the sun she knew he could be but it was still nice to see. She thought of why she was here and decided it would be selfish to bring that up now but then she had another thought.

"What about the Shaman Jacob? Can't she help?"

He laughed, the bitterness seeping back into his voice. "She says everything is fine, that we have nothing to worry about. What a load of crap." He sneered. But something must have shown on her face.

"Bella?" He asked, searching her face. "Did it work?"

She bit her lip and then nodded yes and Jacob's eyes widened.

"Really?" He continued in disbelief.

"Yeah." She admitted. "It took awhile." She hoped she could keep up the charade by insinuating that Edward had to travel a long distance to get to her coming from someplace that would have taken time. "But he came. The next day." _There. Not a complete lie. I don't have to tell him when the next day. _She thought to herself.

"So now what?" He asked, momentarily forgetting his own dilemma.

"I don't know." She replied shaking her head and looking away, her brown curls cascading over her shoulders. "It's…" She drifted off searching for the right words. "It's amazing. That it worked. But now that he's back I don't know what to make of it." They began walking as the words poured out of her.

"I mean a part of me is happy to have him back but then a part of me is angry with him. It's very confusing."

"He really hurt you Bella. I saw it, more clearly than you could ever see it because you were trapped inside of it."

"Yeah…" She whispered.

"It was like someone had died Bella. Like the most important person in the world to you had died."

She knew that was true. A part of her had died that day. And now it was back trying to edge its way into a broken and scarred hole that was torn between rejecting it or taking it in.

"Well maybe the Shaman isn't full of crap after all." He continued. "She did say he would come back to you if it was meant to be."

She'd been so caught up in the overwhelming emotions that she had forgotten about that part. It seemed easier to her to accept a reason that was least in her favor, the one in which she concluded that the only reason Edward came back was because of her blood.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." She said, finally smiling a little. She'd have to think on this more though. Maybe write it out later on.

"Doesn't make sense though." Said Jacob.

"What doesn't?"

"Well if she really does have a gift and can sense things why can't she tell us where Sam is? Why does she act like it's no big deal?"

"I don't know Jake." She replied with genuine sorrow in her voice. She desperately wished she could help him as much as he'd helped her.

Just then she heard a horn honking over the ridge and they both looked up. Her Dad was standing there trying to flag them down.

"Maybe he found him!" Jake shouted and took off leaving Bella behind. Men were always leaving her behind she thought sadly. Even her Dad in a way had left her when she was little by choosing to stay behind in Forks and putting a distance between them and causing a rift that could never fully heal. Logically she knew that he loved her but right now it was emotion that was ruling her, not logic.

She finally made her way up the hilly dunes and to her Father. Jacob was gone by the time she got there and she looked at the absent space she imagined he had just been standing in. _Gone_. She thought.

"He went back to the house." Her Father's somber tone answered her next question but she asked anyway.

"Have you found anything?"

"No Bells. And I'm so sorry I left you alone this weekend. When I think of what could have happened…" He trailed off. Ironically she couldn't have been safer but she immediately stepped up to him and rubbed his arm.

"It's okay Dad. I'm okay." She looked at him imploring him to believe her.

"Let's go." He said.

She started to point back to the truck.

"It'll be fine. I'll come back and get it tomorrow while you're at school."

She got in the car and they drove home in silence. Despite everything they'd been through they were still victim to their nature which was one of solitude and introspection.

The rest of the evening passed without event. Bella made supper, caught up on the homework that had been neglected, and then pulled out her notebook. She'd half expected to find Edward sitting in her room when she finally turned in for the night but he wasn't there. She couldn't decide if she was relieved or disappointed.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Hi everyone! So you have Aleeab4u to thank for this update. Well I thank her too of course because she poked me into writing. Poking works apparently especially when it comes from her. Thanks Aleea!**

**And once again you guys have proven quality over quantity. This fic is beginning to garner more interest but it still doesn't get a lot of action. However those of you that do leave reviews leave wonderful ones and it means so much.**

**Marajade30: You are definitely one of my favorite reviewers. Thank you so much for your support. I gave Aleea a peek into the future of this story and she liked it so I think you will too.**

**TriGemini: Glad to see you reviewing again! Thank you.**

**Ktsgran: As always thank you. You are another favorite reviewer and I hope you continue to enjoy the story.**

**Saritadreaming: Same goes for you and yes there will be more lemony type stuff. Can't help myself I guess and it does seem natural.**

**Brokentragedy2: Lol, still loving your reviews girl. Yep, definitely a sequel and ya'll are gonna kill me with how I end the first part of this story but that's half the fun right?**

**Mommys-Little-Nightmare: Lol, I think you'll get a kick out of part of this chapter.**

**Baynewen: Never fear. They will be together. I don't think I'm really giving anything away by saying that. I hope this chapter gives you a bit of the love and hope you were looking for.**

**And as always thank you to everyone who is reading and reviewing and adding this to alerts. I promise you there is a lot more to come. And don't be shy. I love reviews and getting to know all of you has been truly wonderful. I don't care if people think we're batshit insane. The people I've 'met' in the Twilight fandom have been some of the most talented, intelligent, and witty people I have ever had the honor of conversing with.**

**On with the story…**

_Edward,_

_There is so much I want to say to you and yet what can I say? By the time you read this you surely will have heard more through the minds of others than I could ever tell you. But it's not the same. It's not the same as being in my head and feeling what I'm feeling and what I felt. I don't want to hurt you but it seems important that you know the depth of what you did. You asked me if you were too late. Yes. Yes, you are. We'll never have that fairy tale romance. We may yet have a happy ending and I do honestly hope that we do but now it's going to take work._

_I no longer trust you. I want you; I crave you. But I do not trust you. You broke me when you left. A part of me died and I'm not sure that can ever come back. You asked me what I wanted the other day when we stood in my kitchen. I said I didn't know. That was a lie. I know what I want and I can't have it. I want the fairy tale. I want the last six months to have been a nightmare, a terrible heart wrenching nightmare to be sure but one where I woke up in your arms. _

_I can see our would be future so clearly. We would finish school and then go off somewhere so that you could make me like you. Somewhere in there you would make love to me. And we would spend eternity together._

_But now I feel like all of that was foolish and I was merely concocting a fantasy in my head, a fantasy which you never had any intention of fulfilling. I can see clearly all of your protests, your denials and dismissals of me. Telling me I'm absurd or chastising me for my "human hormones". Way to make a girl feel wanted Edward._

_I'm sorry. I guess getting all of this out there to you is dragging me back down and I don't want that for either of us. I just need you to know how I feel, why I might seem distant or confused. I do believe that you want to be with me. I just can't tell how much of this is you panicking or making false promises and how much of this is genuine._

_Do you want to know why I wonder these things? Why I want answers? It's because I want to believe you. I want the fairy tale. In as much as we can have it I want the happy ending. I love you. I can deny it all I want and cry and scream and rage but at the end of the day I want you. I always have and I always will._

_Don't take this as a free pass. It isn't. But you need to know those parts of my feelings as well. We need to be honest with each other from now on. Unconditionally. So in that spirit I am sorry I kicked you out the other morning. I was embarrassed. Plain and simple. The night before when you had been so…enthusiastic…I was torn between feeling elated and betrayed; elated because I had wanted that sort of attention from you for so long and betrayed because you had to wait until now to give it._

_I understand what you were trying to tell me though. The distance brought your walls down. And I am going to try and believe you. I promise you that. So don't give up? Please? And neither will I._

_We have to work on ourselves in this too. You need to stop thinking you're a monster. End of story. I don't want to hear it anymore. And I need to stand on my own two feet. Sounds funny coming from such a clumsy person huh? But I think you know what I mean._

_I love you. I want you. And I want you to want me too. I'm not ready for everything to go back the way it was. We still have to figure out my Father and how the heck are you going to explain being back in town. And I'm sure by now you are well aware that you won't be entirely welcome. It's going to be hard on your family too. I'm not ready for them to come back yet but I know they will. I think Carlisle and Esme will be fine and probably Rose and Emmett too but I think you and Jasper and Alice will have a hard time of it. Not to mention that all of you will be under a magnifying glass, scrutinized by this bored little town. Can you really afford that kind of attention? I don't care. It's my turn to be selfish. I brought you back. I don't want you to go. I couldn't bear it. _

_I don't know when you'll read this but know that I miss you._

_Yours,_

_Bella_

I finished writing the letter as the first rays of dawn peeked through the window. I'd had a hard time sleeping last night so it seemed like a good idea to get my thoughts down while they were fresh in my head. And if I were being honest with myself I had to admit that a part of me needed to be with him. His presence had rekindled that deep seated need to have him close and trying to sleep without him last night was like trying to sleep without all the trappings of the night time; darkness, quiet, clean sheets and a warm blanket. It could only be done out of sheer exhaustion and I wasn't at that point yet. I didn't want to be dependent on him but what I had told him the other night seemed to be true. I would no longer be able to sleep without him. But I would have to. I would have to find a way. A part of me had always known that it wasn't entirely healthy to be so entwined with someone. There has to be a way to find a balance right?

I re-read the last line of the letter. So many ways that was true. Would he understand the double meaning? I missed the old him, the knight in shining armor, or in this case, sparkling. And yet a part of me was excited to see this new him. It was like learning him all over again and this time I didn't know what to expect. We had both been irrevocably changed.

I looked at the clock and realized it was time to hustle or I'd be late for school. What to do with the letter? For some reason I didn't feel right leaving it at home. I wanted it with me. It was like a tether to him even though I'm the one that wrote it. I decided I would leave it in the truck on my seat while I was in classes. That seemed fitting.

EPOV

I circled her house getting soaked by the rain. I could tell she was awake and I so badly wanted to go to her but I didn't know if she'd want me and the uncertainty held me back. I didn't regret what had happened. It was the most beautiful thing I had witnessed to date. Well, one of the most beautiful things. Everything about her was beautiful. Even her tears though I'd gladly trade those in for a thousand nights like the last. But no. I needed a sign from her. This needed to be on her terms. I'd taken enough from her already. The choice was hers and hers alone.

I had spent the day in the surrounding woods getting soaked to the bone and hunting furiously. I was sure by now my phone was shot but I didn't care. I couldn't bear to be far from her. I'd even followed her to the Reservation and learned of the missing boy. Normally I would have feared for her safety, wondered if another of my kind was in the area but nothing seemed amiss. I stored the information into the back of my mind for later exploration.

In the meantime I relegated myself to living in the forest and giving myself over to my instincts. My kind are a divided lot, especially my family since we choose to live as mortals. On the one hand we are refined and educated and on the other we have the instincts of a predator and no real need to live as humans do. We do not need shelter or the comforts of home. We are perfectly capable of living in the forest and giving ourselves over to our senses.

And so I did. True I kept one eye always on Bella but I also let myself go as much as I could. It was a freedom and a punishment all at once. I could have gone back to the house. We never sold it. All of the furniture would still be there. Even some of the small things like books. And of course, my piano. I couldn't bring myself to take it when we left. It reminded me of her too much. I was only just beginning to feel like I could play it again but the part of me that loathed myself told me I didn't deserve shelter or comfort of any kind. I knew Bella wouldn't like that but I couldn't help it. My only self worth lay in her hands.

But the very least I could do was respect her privacy. So even though I knew she was awake I kept my distance. And even when I heard her scribbling, pen put to paper like a dire need, I refused to sneak into her room and peek at her written words. I could have so easily, without her ever knowing, and once upon a time I would have. But no more.

I did however follow her to school.

BPOV

I parked close to the woods and left the letter on the seat like I planned. I didn't know if he would even think to look but I found myself scanning the woods as I made my way to the cluster of buildings that held the youth of Forks High willing him to understand if he was even there. I hoped he was.

"Earth to Bella."

"Huh?" I said, glancing round to find Angela waving her hand in front of my face. We were at lunch sitting with Jessica and the rest of the usuals though I was at the end of the table away from everyone as had become habit over the last several months. The day seemed to be passing in a blur as I was lost in my thoughts.

"You okay Bella? You've been really out of it today. I mean…" she paused, "Um, different…" she continued to struggle for words and I knew what she meant. Not zombie out of it, pensive out of it. She was always so observant of me but I still couldn't tell her what happened so I quickly wracked my brain for something that wasn't a lie and settled on the most obvious.

I sighed and dropped my celery stick back on my plate. "One of the Quileute boys is missing."

I'd barely gotten the sentence out before Jessica piped in, entirely too excited about this tidbit of news.

"I heard about that!" she exclaimed. "You're friends with one of them right? Is that who went missing?"

I wanted to deck her. She was actually smiling when she asked me this. _Smiling. _The audacity.

"NO, Jessica, it wasn't my friend." I said emphasizing the 'no' with as much disdain as I could muster. "But it was one of his friends and it's a pretty big deal."

This didn't seem to deter her at all.

"What do you guys think?" she asked scanning the table. "Drugs? Runaway? Secret girlfriend?"

You'd think she was writing for some trashy gossip column.

"Jess, this is serious." Angela tried to defend. "He could have been kidnapped. Or worse…" she trailed off.

I lost my appetite altogether. What if it was worse? I knew worse. And worse could be really really bad.

The end of the day came quickly and I found myself practically running to my truck but the letter still sat on my seat. Wherever he was it wasn't here and my heart tightened at the thought.

The next couple of days passed without incident except for my increasing anxiety. Anxiety fueled by Edward's absence and the fact that Sam was still missing. I visited Jake for one of the afternoons but ultimately felt useless. I told him that Edward and I had had a fight and that I hadn't seen him since. It was a weak explanation for my being distracted but it was the truth. But Jacob, ever the patient one, simply told me he understood and suggested I go home just in case Edward showed up.

My brain was still trying to wrap my head around how to deal with Charlie when he learned of Edward's return. The whole thing was somewhat of a catch 22. Edward couldn't reveal he was back until the rest of the family came but I wasn't ready for them to come back yet and didn't know when I would be. And right now I couldn't add to my Father's stress. Every night he came home weary. I could tell the missing Quileute was weighing heavily on him. It might have been different if it were one of the adults, in fact I'm sure it would have been, but for it to be someone young…well that sort of thing just doesn't happen around here.

That night I lay in bed finally exhausted. I'd hardly slept for three nights now. I placed the unread letter under my pillow and drifted to sleep.

EPOV

I couldn't take it anymore. I'd been away from her too long. I needed to at least breathe the same air as her. So I climbed into her room and watched her sleep as I had done so many times before and I instantly felt at peace. I was home. The only home I ever needed.

And it made me happy to see her finally resting. I wasn't sure what had been keeping her up the past few nights but I could surmise many things, none of them good. It was difficult to curb my desire to comfort her but I was proud of myself for doing so.

I watched her, her chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm as she slept her breath a whisper on her lips. I'd missed seeing her like this so much. She turned suddenly, onto her side, and that's when I saw the letter poking out from underneath her pillow. I could just make out the tail end of my name peeking out.

So I took it, my curiosity getting the better of me. I knew this had to be what she had been writing and I dispelled any guilt I might have had at taking it by rationalizing that it was addressed to me. I stood by the window and read it in the half light coming in from the street.

_By the time you read this you surely will have heard more through the minds of others than I could ever tell you. _

She was right. The worst had been what I had picked from Charlie's mind and yet every thought from her friends was like a knife being driven in again and again. A painful never ending reminder of what I had put her through. I saw her wandering the halls with a blank empty look on her face, people bumping into her, ignoring her, as though she didn't even exist. I heard the thoughts of the ones who had mocked her, egging her on to take her life and it took every ounce of willpower not to tear them apart.

I saw the sadness in her friend Angela and the now budding hope she had at seeing the first glimmer of life in Bella's eyes over the last few days. And I saw the time Bella spent with Jacob in my absence and I was glad for him, sure that she would have perished without him. He didn't know it yet but I owed him my life because without her I wouldn't have one.

I cringed when she told me she didn't trust me. I knew it. She had said it aloud when I came back and yet seeing it written on paper seemed to make it more real, like some sort of pact was made when pen was put to paper making it undeniably true. It was something we may never get back and it scared me to my core. For if she couldn't trust me would she really want to spend an eternity with me? Could she? Could I?

Ironically I think I needed to do some soul searching. Not about whether or not I wanted to be with her but about how to move forward with something like this. How do you embrace the future when it's been colored and stained by the past?

Damn me! Damn me to hell for ever making her feel unwanted! I dropped the letter turning to face her and that's when she woke.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Soo…um, this chapter turned out to be a bit lemony. I hadn't intended that but apparently the muse had other ideas. Don't worry, there's still a plot. But I guess they needed this.**

**Mara: I'm so happy I can provide you with an escape and really touched by your words. I'm super curious…who's the other author besides me and Aleea? I love reading good stuff too so recs are always welcome.**

**Brokentragedy2: LOVE YOUUU! I'm sorry I made you late for work but then again that's a huge compliment. **** And yeah, True Blood! What did you think? And did you watch The Vampire Diaries?**

**Saritadreaming: I'm glad I made you cry. Um, you know what I mean right? That's just such a huge compliment. With any writing that I do I want to make people think and feel so thank you for telling me that. Yeah, I figured Bella would feel more comfortable writing, especially with him having been away it would have been the only thing she could do.**

**RubyLou: Sorry they didn't end up having that discussion in this chapter but I promise they will have it. They still have a LOT to talk about. And thank you for reading and reviewing.**

**Baynewen: Ha, yeah I love cliffhangers. I love reading them too. I'm glad you think I'm doing right by the characters. I'm trying. It's hard walking that line between keeping them true to the original vision and yet having them grow as well. Thank you so much for your thoughts.**

I watched the letter float from his slender fingers to the dark wood floor beneath and then raised my eyes to look at him. What met me was a newfound determination. He was looking at me with a mix of feral heat and confidence, a cross somewhere between his animal self and the part of him that was a man. He was also incredibly filthy.

He took a step towards me and I sat up.

"Edward, don't you dare set so much as a toe on this bed." I said sternly.

He paused in his tracks still not saying a word.

"Have you seen yourself? You're covered in mud and dirt and is that a leaf in your hair?"

He frowned.

Just then the skies opened up creating a heavy thrumming on the roof, hardly a space in between each drop.

"Out." I said, pointing at the window.

He straightened up.

"No."

The forcefulness in his voice and behind that one simple word sent a shiver through me but I realized he must have thought I was kicking him out again. I sat up fully swinging my legs over the side of my bed and then I stood walking towards him.

"You are a mess. You need to clean up and you can't take a shower here so go outside and take advantage of the rain. I'll even come with you."

He frowned again.

"You'll get sick." He whispered. His tone had softened and edges of the old, caring Edward seeped back in.

"I won't get sick." I defended myself. "We won't be out there long and I'll get us towels straight away when we come back inside."

He paused, thinking.

His face scrunched some more but then resigned itself.

"Okay."

He opened the window and picked me up and in a flash we were standing on the soft earth getting pelted by the rain. The mud streaked off of him in thin rivulets and I reached up to run my hands through his hair ridding it of the debris that had gathered there. He let me do this for him, just standing there passively as I pulled twigs and leaves from his bronze locks and then I continued down his face wiping away the traces of the forest.

I thought to ask him why he was so disheveled but decided I didn't want to ruin the moment. This simple act of grooming him, even in such an unconventional manner, seemed more intimate in some ways than anything we had previously shared.

When I reached the collar of his shirt I skimmed my hands down to the bottom so I could lift it over his head. No amount of rain was going to salvage it. It was torn and stained and there was no way it was going in my house.

Edward's hands covered mine and for a moment I thought he was going to stop me that we had suddenly taken two steps back but instead he took over and lifted it above his head and tossed it into the nearby woods. I realized this was the first time I had ever seen him like this. I stood dumbfounded, mouth agape like a fish out of water. How could any one person be so beautiful?

His chest was pale and clean having been protected by the long gone shirt and I found myself longing to run my fingers over the hard lines of him. What would it feel like under my fingertips? It was uncharted, forbidden territory and I wanted to be the first to explore it.

My senses finally got the better of me though and I realized that I was rudely staring at him like he was a piece of meat. I broke my gaze from his smooth torso and finally looked in his golden eyes. Well they should have been golden. But they weren't. They were dark like a leaf turned brown once it has fallen from the tree but they still held an ethereal unnatural quality.

Before I knew what was happening Edward had pushed me up against the side of the house with a loud thump, one of my legs was held firmly in his grasp and raised up while he pushed himself between my thighs.

I think I moaned slightly but I was beyond normal comprehension as a million thoughts raced through my head. Should I be afraid? Was he going to take me right here? Like this? Is this why he had looked so feral moments ago in my room? Was he even himself right now? And why am I even thinking at all?

His lips were on me the whole time my internal dialogue raged within me but then he suddenly pulled away though keeping his forehead pressed against mine.

"Fuck." He muttered.

I'd never heard him swear before. It clicked something inside of me and Edward must have sensed it because his eyes met mine once more and he pressed into me again. But then he growled quietly and pulled away altogether.

"What?" I asked, paranoid that I had done something wrong, that he was going to reject me and tell me how dangerous he is and every other argument for keeping us cloistered away from each other's bodies.

"You're father is awake."

My hand quickly went to my mouth in shock. In a matter of seconds Edward had me bundled in my sheets and blankets in my bed and instructed me to wrap myself up in them tightly and pretend to be sleeping. I wanted to ask him what he was going to do but I got my answer as soon as he slithered under the bed. I hoped there weren't too many dust bunnies under there.

I made myself into a cocoon and feigned sleep just in time to hear my Father crack open the door and peek inside. I was sure he must have thought that I was having one of my nightmares and perhaps had even fallen out of bed. He stood there for a moment and then I heard him gingerly shut the door. I waited for Edward to indicate that it was okay to move. A few more minutes passed and I understood what was taking so long when I heard the toilet flush from the bathroom.

Only then did Edward come out from under the bed and gently place a hand on me. I rolled over to look at him and had to stifle a laugh at the absurdity of the situation. Did other teenagers do this? Sneak into each others rooms at night? Well at least in this case I had a boyfriend with super sensitive hearing that saved us from having to explain a very awkward moment.

I unrolled myself and sighed.

"Well now what?" I asked.

He knelt down beside the bed and ran a finger through my wet hair.

"We wait a few more minutes and then I get us a towel."

He was smiling and looking at peace. It was nice to see.

"Do you have clean sheets or blankets?" He asked.

"Yes, in the closet."

I rose to get them and as quietly as I could I changed the bedding so we would have something dry to sleep on. By the time I was done Edward had returned with fresh towels. I hadn't even heard him leave. It was slightly startling. I would have to re-acclimate myself to his various talents.

He held out a towel to me and we looked at each other for a moment realizing that we'd have to get out of our wet clothes before we could thoroughly dry off.

"Ummm…" I faltered. I raised my hand in the air and twirled my finger in the direction of my closet. "I'll just…go over there." I said hoping he'd take the hint and plant himself in the corner by the window.

I moved to behind the closet door and stripped, toweling myself off as I went. I started with my hair and made my way down removing my sticky clothes until I was left in nothing but my underpants. That's when I heard the closet door creak as it was swung open. It doesn't matter how stealthy you are, there is no way to keep a hundred year old hinge from creaking if it wants to.

Edward was behind me. I knew it, could sense it, and my suspicion was confirmed when I felt his body press up against me. He was only in his boxers and no longer wet but _every _part of him was still hard. I felt one hand slide around me and come to rest along my collarbone while the other snaked its way along my hip and skimmed the front of my underwear.

I stiffened.

"Edward. What…?"

"Let me do this for you Bella. Please."

"You already did." I replied, turning my head to the side and away from him, thinking back on the other night. I could already feel my face heating up.

"You weren't awake." He retorted.

It's true. I hadn't been. Not really. Not even at the end when I heard his words and felt his hand at my back. I was lost in a fog of sleep half wondering if I was merely dreaming. This would be very very unlike that if I allowed it to happen.

"I need you to know that I want you Bella. That I've always wanted you."

"I believe you…" I stuttered.

"No. You don't"

I couldn't deny it. I didn't believe him. I wanted to argue with him. Tell him that he was doing this for himself, not me, but before I could formulate the words to protest his hand was sliding south and nestling itself between my thighs at the apex of all things female, the very place where life was created. I drew in a sharp breath and grabbed onto his bicep that was a rock of muscle and sinew straining against marble flesh.

EPOV

I held her to me, her tiny body trembling under my touch. How many times I had thought of this and never had the courage to tell her, always afraid that any encouragement would cause her to push our boundaries and risk her life. But all that time I hadn't realized what I was really doing. Pushing her away, making her feel unwanted, and fueling the fire of insecurity that lived inside her.

I knew this wouldn't fix things, fix us, but I had to try. If I could make her feel wanted in any way I would do it. I knew she wanted to feel more normal at least as normal as we could. No. That's not quite it. She wants _me_ to feel normal, to trust myself and I do now. She's the one who needs to learn that.

I caressed her slowly, gently, and she gasped beneath me with each swipe of my fingers. It was so beautiful, all of it. The rush of blood to her skin, the sound of her breathing, the heat emanating from her, the way she clung to me.

I guided her over to the bed, my hands never leaving her, and laid us down on our sides so that her back was still to me, resting against my chest. Her body was vibrating, her breaths growing shallow with each passing second and I knew she was close so I increased my speed.

"I love you." I whispered and then placed a kiss on her neck.

She took one last deep breath and held it. And then she fell apart. She rocked against me, her nails trying to dig into my impenetrable skin and her eyes were screwed shut. She ended up biting my arm in an attempt to stifle her scream and in turn I had to stifle my own groan.

It took a few minutes for her to still and for her breathing to return to normal and when it did she kept herself facing away from me.

"I…I should change." She whispered.

"No."

"Edward." She whined.

I sighed. "You can put a shirt on." I told her.

"Don't look." She warned as she stood up.

I didn't. I may want her but I was no cad. I could respect her wishes. _Within reason_, I smirked to myself. But I turned my gaze towards the ceiling and waited patiently for her.

She returned to the bed clad in a long sleeve t-shirt but to my delight in nothing other than her still rain dampened panties. I curled up against her and lifted the covers over us and then nestled my hand between her legs covering her mound protectively.

"_Edward…_" She whined again, moving to bat my hand away.

"Mh, mh." I said. "This is mine." And I applied light pressure so she could not mistake what I meant, what I was claiming for my own.

She said nothing else and soon fell asleep. I watched her, occasionally kissing her neck and shoulders. I felt truly happy. Happy that I was with her, happy that I had been able to give her this. I thanked God for this second chance to be with her and make things right.

Tomorrow I would call Alice and ask her what to do, what should come next. I wouldn't ask her to tell me the future. I was done using her as a crutch. Bella said we both needed to work on this so I figured the least I could do was try to make my own decisions without relying on the talents of my family. If there was anything important, anything dangerous, Alice would tell me. And she would tell Bella too. Because there would be no more secrets and no more running.

I would return to the house and face the shadows I'd left there. I'd uncover the furniture, dust the cobwebs, and sit down at my piano. I wasn't sure if I would play but I could at least spend some time with it. I almost felt like I owed it an apology too.

_So many things to atone for_…at least I have millennia to do so.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Well aren't I Ms. Mcpost a Lot lately, huh? I've had the time and I've felt inspired so I'm taking advantage of that and I have you guys to thank for it. I'm not even sure there is any way for me to convey how much you all mean to me and how much your words keep me going.**

**Alliesmom07, Saritadreaming, RubyLou, baynewen, brokentragedy2, Mara. You are all an inspiration and I'm so happy to 'know' you. You make me squee and get teary eyed and inspire me and make me feel connected. Thank you.**

**A special thank you also goes to Aleea. I know I've said it before but I'm so glad I found you, and your continued support of my work and allowing me to be a part of your work means so much to me.**

**And welcome to my new reader (and prolific reviewer!) Pamela J. Austin. I'm really glad you are liking the story and I really appreciate your reviews. Thank you.**

**Also shout-outs to EdwardsCandyCane, cshorte, and yankeerose. You guys have been with me for awhile through various fics of mine and I appreciate it.**

**So this chapter is a teensy bit longer (I'm trying!) but it's really late right now and I'm starting to fall over so I had to stop. I hope you like it anyway and as always reviews are love and they fuel my fire.**

Bella woke as the first rays of morning light seeped in through her window. She could tell it was still very early because the light was merely shades of grey against the blackness of the receding night. She was lying on her back and the only reason she knew that Edward was there beside her was because she could feel the cold stone of his body. He wasn't breathing. Nor did he need to but it was unusual for him to allow himself these small nuances of his natural state in her presence. She liked it.

"Morning love." He reached an arm across her to pull her close and kiss her. The kiss seemed to hold traces of the previous evening just waiting to bloom at her touch but she still wasn't ready for that so she tried to deflect the inevitable path his touches would lead them down.

"So Edward…" She began, "Care to explain why you looked like a wildebeest last night?"

"I've…" he began, sheepishly. "I've been living in the forest." His lips tilted up in a small embarrassed smile.

"And why on Earth would you do that?"

"I wasn't ready to go home. To the house I mean."

Her heart skipped a beat for him and she suddenly felt a great sympathy. It hadn't really occurred to her that anything here might harbor bad memories for him. She reached a hand up and caressed his face.

"So what are you going to do?" She whispered softly.

"I'm going to go there, today. What else can I do? I'm not going to run anymore. I made my bed and I'll lie in it."

"Edward, you don't have a bed." She replied somewhat snarkily, trying to lighten the mood. He got a mischievous glint in his eye and she realized she just opened another of Pandora's doors.

"Well. I'll have to amend that, now won't I?" He said pulling her closer and leaning in for another kiss.

She pulled her lips away as far as her pillow would allow and rushed out a sentence before he could complete the kiss.

"We still have a lot to talk about you know."

He pulled back.

"I know." His face was suddenly grave. "Do you regret last night?"

She felt her face heat up and she looked away.

"No." She said, suddenly fidgety. Her hand toyed with his on top of the covers. "Do you?" She asked.

"Not in the slightest." He replied while nuzzling her neck.

She couldn't help the small smile that flitted across her features.

Edward sighed. Not a happy contented sigh but one that sounded frustrated or disappointed.

"What?" She asked, worried.

"Charlie. He's awake. That means I should go."

She nodded. Her first thought was to ask if she'd see him tonight but then she thought better of it, reminding herself that she needed to learn to stand on her own two feet as she had said. Edward seemed to read her mind.

"I won't be back for a night or two. If that's okay? I want to take care of some things at the house. Make it a bit more livable and talk to my family. I'm sure they'll have lots of questions and a lot of their own preparations to make."

"Don't let them come back yet!" She said in a panic.

"I won't." He said, running his fingers across her cheeks. He looked very sad.

"I'm sorry. I'm just not ready yet. It hasn't even been a week."

"I know."

"I love you Bella."

"I love you too." And this time she was the one who leaned in for a kiss.

The next couple of days were fairly normal, school, homework, housework, dinner, errands. Charlie was a man of few words and Bella was still wracking her brain trying to think of a way to reintroduce Edward into their lives without bloodshed, or at least the attempt of bloodshed on the part of her Father, though realistically she was more concerned about seeing Edward. Sure, his nightly visits were better than nothing but there was only so much they could work on while squirreled away in her room. And, if Edward really did get a bed…well her mind wandered to places it probably shouldn't but at least now she didn't feel like she was teasing herself with these kinds of thoughts. Now she was beginning to believe that they might actually happen.

By the time Saturday rolled around she decided she should visit Jacob again and see how things were going. Charlie was spending a rare weekend home, probably too caught up in his frustration about not being able to find Sam to really enjoy much of anything. Bella drove her beloved red pick-up to La Push, fighting the urge to go to the Cullen's home.

When she pulled onto the patch of dirt that qualified as the Black's driveway Jake rushed out to greet her, a big smile plastered on his face.

"He's back!" He yelled, excitedly.

"Who? Sam?"

"Who else Bella?" He said, rolling his eyes.

She stuttered. "Well…that's great…I mean…is he okay?"

"He's not hurt if that's what you mean but I'm not sure I'd say he's okay." His face turned sour.

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"I dunno. It's weird. He's back. He's home. But no one will let us see him."

"What do you mean 'no one'?"

"The Elders have him locked away somewhere. I'm thinking maybe at the Shaman's but I don't know for sure. My Dad has been very strict about the rest of us not trying to see Sam. He knows something. But he doesn't seem worried, just pensive, like he's trying to figure something out."

Bella didn't know what to say so she just looked at him.

"C'mon, let's go inside." He continued. "Maybe a woman's touch will get him to loosen up."

They made their way inside the small cozy house. Billy was in the kitchen attempting to cook and Bella felt bad for him and then felt bad about feeling bad for him. Billy did quite well all things considered and who was she to judge?

"Hey Billy, I heard Sam was back." She said as she plopped down in one of the old vinyl kitchen chairs, plastering a smile across her face and trying to look as innocent as possible. She knew immediately that it didn't work because Billy flashed a scolding look at Jacob.

She continued to try anyway. "So what happened? Where was he?"

Billy pretended to be busy with the food that he was making but she knew full well it was just a charade. Finally he seemed to settle on an answer though he kept his eyes trained on the stove while he spoke.

"Well, it's really not my place to say Bella. But he's fine, I promise you that. In fact, you should probably pass that on to your Dad. It was all just a misunderstanding. There's no need for an investigation and I'm really sorry the police had to get involved. Stupid kids, ya' know…" And he trailed off but something in the way he said it didn't sit right with Bella. She knew there was more to it, that he was trying to divert attention away from the situation. She had a feeling there was much more going on than a simple case of a teen runaway and she was sure she and Jacob could find out what.

Edward stood in the driveway staring at the place he had once called home. It may have been made of wood and paint and glass but it seemed like a dead thing to him, the way a body looks when the soul has departed. He took a deep unneeded breath and continued up the walkway. The extra house key was hidden in its usual place and he used it to unlock the door to his past.

The place was musty something that would only be mildly annoying to a human but to him was like the stench of a swamp. He traveled from room to room opening the windows and letting the cool forest air freshen the place. He grabbed the drop cloths as he went, revealing the long neglected furniture. He saved his room for last and when he entered it seemed like a foreign place to him, like it was a different him that had lived here and he supposed that wasn't actually far from the truth.

He made a mental note of the things he wanted to change, a list that never need be written down because it was relegated to his perfect mind. _A bed, _he thought, _hell all new furniture period. We need a fresh start. I need a fresh start. And I want Bella to have things here too. I want this to be a home for her as well. I'd get a place just for us if I thought I could get away with it._

After mentally cataloguing the changes he wanted to make in his room he made his way down to the kitchen to think about what they'd need for Bella and then realized that he was getting ahead of himself. And that's when he noticed the phone. There was no note. But he didn't need one. He knew who had left it there. _Alice._ It was time to call her. She picked up on the first ring.

"Hey." She said her voice sympathetic.

"Hi Alice." He was silent after that, suddenly unsure of what to say.

"So…what happened?" She asked.

"Don't you know?"

"I only know what you told me over the weekend. I haven't looked for anything else."

"Thank you Alice. I appreciate that." He paused. "I think things are okay, at least as okay as they can be. I'll be staying here. Permanently."

"Yeah, but what _happened_…" She asked petulantly as though he were keeping a secret from her.

He could see in her mind that she meant when he had left and he laughed thinking of what had happened.

"I'm not sure you'd believe me if I told you. She's rather tenacious and creative when she puts her mind to it" His voice took on a sad tone. "I don't…"

"Stop right there Edward."

"I thought you weren't going to look at my future?"

"I'm not silly. I just know you well enough to know where that line of thinking was going. You DO deserve to be happy Edward. We all do but you most of all right now."

"So now what?" She asked.

"I was hoping you could tell me."

She began to protest but he cut her off. "I don't mean like that Alice. Just…what do I do? I'm at a loss."

"Well, you lay low. I'll have some stuff shipped to the house for you, ID, credit cards and the like."

This was all practical stuff and not entirely what he meant but before he could redirect her train of thought she jumped gears herself.

"Can we come back Edward? I miss her." Alice's voice was a mere whisper and carried with it the pain of loss. He hadn't just condemned Bella when he'd made his fateful decision he'd condemned his family too, who had all grown to love Bella as their own. Well everyone except Rosalie but Alice's love for the human girl more than made up for whatever Rose was lacking.

He sighed. "Not yet. I'm sorry, but she's not ready yet. It needs to be her decision. It all needs to be her decision from now on."

"I understand. It should have always been like that you know."

"I know." He replied wearily. "I know that now. I didn't know it then. But that's why I'm asking for your help Alice. I don't know how to do this relationship thing. And you do."

She laughed her tinkerbell laugh and for the first time in months she sounded like her old self.

"Well normally I would say flowers and presents and stuff like that but we all know Bella doesn't like that and besides those things are peanuts compared to what you did to her."

He winced.

"You need to be patient with her. You need to show her and not tell her. You need to respect her. She's not as fragile as you think she is."

"I know that Alice. But none of that tells me _what _to do."

"There's no magic formula Edward."

He laughed at that, a genuine laugh, thinking back on what Bella had done to get him to return to her.

"What? What did I say?"

"Well, apparently there is a magic formula."

"What are you talking about Edward? Have you eaten? Have you gone delirious from eating rodents or something?"

"No." She could hear the smile in his voice. "Bella used magic to get me back."

There was silence for a moment.

"Really?" She asked.

"Really." He replied.

"Like what? She's a witch now?"

"No, no. She used Quileute magic, something her friend Jacob taught her or some such thing."

"Huh. That explains it then."

"Explains what?"

"Well when you first left I did try to see your future. It was all so sudden and I was worried. I could see that you were going to Forks but I couldn't see why. Now I understand."

"Alice, please." He huffed. "In English minus the cryptic comments."

"I can't see the Quileutes. Because of their heritage, their shape-shifting bloodlines; they're a giant blind spot to me and apparently their magic is as well. So what did she do?" She asked excitedly.

"I'm not telling."

"Oh, c'mon, what did she do?"

His thoughts flashed back to that night, to seeing Bella after so long, seeing her anger and her tears and feeling the heat of her and holding her close, and…

"Alice, please. It's private."

"Fine. I'll just ask her when I see her."

"Well don't expect her to run to you with open arms. She's mad at all of us."

"Because we abandoned her." She finished the unspoken thought.

"Yes. Because we abandoned her." I felt a pang of guilt.

"I should never have listened to you." She said defiantly.

"Alice you have my permission to beat me senseless if I ever even think anything like that again, even for a nanosecond."

"Oh, I don't need your permission brother. Believe me, I am never allowing anything like this to happen again. I'm never going to leave her. If it takes a hundred years for her to forgive me, fine, but I'm not leaving her. None of us will."

"Neither will I Alice. I swear it. So long as she'll have me I'll be here. And I'll make sure that she will be around for those hundred years."


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Thank you to Mara, Aleea, brokentragedy2, belladonnacullen and I'm so sorry I can't remember who else right now. **

**Because of all my free time (boy the internet is a time sucker!) you are getting a longer chapter. The longest I've ever written I think. The downside is that I wasn't able to do any research so if there are any mistakes or inconsistencies please forgive them.**

"_No one can walk backwards into the future."_

_ Chinese Proverb_

"Hey Dad" Bella said, returning from her visit to Jacob.

"Hey Bells. How were things at the Res?"

"Sam's back."

Charlie's eyes lit up and he stood.

"Whoa, Dad, wait. Billy says he's fine, that he ran away or something. Said not to worry."

He harrumphed and made his way into the kitchen and moments later she heard him speaking into the phone. She hadn't been sleeping well so she went straight to her room and sat on her bed thinking. These days without Edward had taken a toll on her. What was supposed to be a freeing experience only made her feel anxious and she was back to her usual nightmares. She couldn't call him, she couldn't visit him, and for all she knew he was gone again.

_Maybe it's better that way._

She got up and locked her window and closed the curtains. Something she hadn't even done in all those months of solitude.

That night Edward showed up at her house. It had been a couple of days and he figured that was long enough of a wait. The days had been excruciatingly slow despite the various things that needed attending to. When you don't require sleep you become acutely aware of each passing minute until it ticks inside of you like a bomb that will never go off. Just sitting there, reminding you that it's there, keeping you on edge but never amounting to anything.

To say that he couldn't wait to see her would be a gross understatement. He _needed _to see her. Every fiber of his being required it just as much as his body required blood. Maybe even more.

But when he got there the curtains were pulled tight and he knew right away that something was wrong. He knew she was there, he could hear her breathing, already lost in sleep.

He tried the window anyway only to find it locked. Locked out. Locked away. Is this what it had felt like to her? To know that something is there but to not be able to reach it? That the very thing you need to survive exists but doesn't want you?

He swallowed back his rising panic and dropped to the ground pacing.

_Maybe it's been locked all these nights. Maybe she just still needs another day or two. You said you'd respect her wishes. You can try again tomorrow. You can do this._

He spent the rest of the evening in the tree outside her window.

The next day at school Bella cornered Mike Newton and asked him if he needed any help at the store.

"Wait, what? Do you mean it? 'Cause, Bella, my folks'll kill me if you flake out."

She winced.

"I won't flake. I swear it. I need to start doing something with myself."

"Well okay." He replied grinning. "Maybe we could…you know…go out sometime?"

She groaned inwardly.

"One thing at a time Mike. When should I come to the store?"

"How about this afternoon? My Mom will be there and I know she'd love to meet you."

"Okay. I'll see you then."

Mike was right. His Mom embraced her as though she were a part of the family and Bella could only imagine what he had told her. Bella started that afternoon, mostly just learning the ropes.

By the time she got home darkness had settled over the town and Charlie was just pulling in. He raised his eyebrows at her as he exited the cruiser.

"Where you been Bella?' He asked cautiously.

"I picked up some hours at Newton's. Hope that's okay?"

"Yeah, kiddo. That's great."

That night when they sat down to dinner Charlie brought up the Sam thing.

"So I talked to Billy." Charlie said, trying to be nonchalant.

"Oh?" replied Bella.

"Fed me the same crap you did if you'll pardon the expression."

Bella nearly spit out her milk. It was so unusual to hear her Father talk like that.

"Something's up. I know it is. They should know better than to try and fool a cop."

Bella simply nodded. She agreed with him but had nothing to add.

"Bella if you know anything you gotta tell me. I need to know if I should be worried about anything."

"No Dad, I swear. I know what you know. They won't even tell Jake anything."

He sighed, moving his noodles around on his plate, examining them as though they would hold an answer.

"Well, just promise me you'll be careful. Don't get mixed up in anything. You know?"

Was he implying what she thought he was?

"Dad." She said, dropping her fork loudly on her plate and giving him a disbelieving look.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. I just don't buy the teen runaway story. So humor your old man and be careful."

"I will." She whispered.

She didn't buy it either so she added another visit to the Reservation to her to do list for the week. The list designed for the sole purpose of keeping busy, to either keep Edward away, or to be completely unaware of his absence. Either way worked.

BPOV

"You do realize that Mike thinks you're flirting with him right?"

Angela gave me the look that said I should have known better.

"Ange in what twisted world does a boy think you're hitting on him when you ask him for a job?"

"In Mike's world of course. He has it bad for you and you know it."

"Yeah, I know."

We were walking between classes and I couldn't help but wonder if Edward was in the woods somewhere watching me. I'd been keeping my window locked every night this week.

"So what's up with you anyway?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why Ms. Social Butterfly all of a sudden? I mean, you even made plans with Jessica. That's not like you."

"I just want to join the world again. Is that so wrong?"

"Yes. It's very wrong. You didn't even want to be a part of this world when you first came here. You always had your nose in a book. Not that there's anything wrong with that but suddenly you're overcompensating. Why?"

"How about this Ange…you help me overcompensate this afternoon and I'll spill the beans so to speak. Sound like a plan?"

"Yeah, sure. It's a date." She replied, flashing one of her brilliant smiles.

"Good, maybe we should tell Mike that. Wait no…ewww…forget I ever said that. The last thing I need to do is give him more fantasy fodder."

"I think they call it a spank bank Bella."

"OH MY GOD THAT'S DISGUSTING!" I said pushing her away. "You will never utter that phrase again if you value my sanity."

"Sure, sure, sorry. But that's what you get for making me sit with Jessica all those months. I learned more about boys than any virgin should ever know."

"Well maybe you'll have to impart some of that wisdom to me. On second thought, no. I'll stick to my books when it comes to sex ed."

"Good idea." She said as she ducked inside her next class.

That afternoon we drove to Port Angeles. Going there had gotten easier after I started hanging out with Jake. I no longer saw shadows around every corner, flickering images of the past left to haunt me.

We walked along the sea wall and talked. I couldn't tell her about Edward coming back but I could tell her everything from the last few months. I told her about Edward leaving me, repeated those killing words he spoke in the woods that day. I told her about lying on the forest floor, of how I shut down and then broke down. I'd never talked to anyone about this. Not even Renee.

I told her about my suicide attempt. Of course she knew. But she was my friend. She deserved to hear it from my mouth. I told her what it felt like to be standing up there, staring out at the grey sky, my hair whipping around my face. I told her how peaceful it felt, and how horrible it was to wake up and realize I was still alive.

I paused, waiting for her to abandon me too. To tell me it was too much for her to bear. And I would have understood. But she didn't do that. Instead she turned to me and took me in her arms and held me. Really held me. Not just a hug or a pat on the shoulders but an embrace. It was the first time anyone had done that since Edward left me. I realized in some distant part of my mind that I was discounting his return and the many times he'd held me in the one short week since he'd been back but I decided I didn't care. This was different. It was one human being to another. Not someone who had an agenda, who felt guilt or felt like they had to hold me. It was my friend. A true friend and I'd never lamented having a secret more than I did in that moment. I suddenly wanted very badly to tell her everything, every little truth I'd been keeping from her but I knew it wasn't my place to do that.

"Hey." She said, finally pulling away. "How about I treat for dinner? This is supposed to be a date after all." She winked.

"Yeah, what's Ben gonna think about that?"

"He'll live. C'mon, girl time is healthy every now and then." She replied, linking her arm around mine and leading me across the street to the shops and restaurants.

She led me to the restaurant where Edward and I had had our first 'date'. There was no way she could have known the significance of this place but I sucked it up and decided what better place to ask her for advice?

We sat at a different table and I ordered different food but otherwise the place was exactly the same. Right down to the waitress who seemed to smirk at the absence of my boyfriend.

"There's still something you're not saying Bella." observed Angela while I was toying with my straw.

"Can I ask you something?" I said, looking at her pointedly.

"Of course."

"Say Ben broke up with you. Wouldn't give you the time of day for months on end. Treated you as though you didn't exist."

"Uh-huh…"

"Then say he suddenly started talking to you again. But not just talking. He wanted you back. He wanted things to be like they were. Told you he loved you and that he always had. What would you do?"

"Oh. My. God." She said with a disbelieving smile on her face.

I paused keeping utterly still.

"You heard from him didn't you? That bastard." She said looking away and shaking her head.

The word stung. To hear someone else call him out like that seemed entirely different than me or even Charlie doing it. It was further evidence of the ripple effect his leaving had caused.

"I'm sorry Bella." She said, taking my hand.

It was only then that I realized my eyes were tearing up.

"It's okay." I said sniffling and straightening up.

"So you've heard from him right?"

"Yes."

"And?"

I sighed. "He says he loves me, says he wants to be with me, that he made a mistake and he'll do anything to fix it."

"Hmm…Don't they all say that though? I don't know Bella. I'm not exactly an expert on relationships. What do you want?"

"I want the fairytale." I whispered.

"The what?"

"Sorry, nothing." I replied, shaking my head. "I love him. I want him but I want him the way things were. I don't trust him anymore and I don't know what to do."

"I don't blame you. Isn't this all kind of moot though?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well they moved away. They aren't just going to move back because Edward says so."

I stifled a laugh.

"What? They will?"

"I think they would, yeah. His family is a bit…different. Anyway, they never sold the house so technically they could."

"Huh. Well I don't know what to tell you Bella except keep him away from me because I sure won't have anything nice to say to him."

My face fell when she said that.

"Seriously Bella?" She asked as she held my hand. "When you were with him he became your world. That isn't normal. If you get back together with him just don't forget about the rest of us okay?"

That time I did cry.

Hanging out with Jessica had been a mistake. The only good that came of it was trying to convince her that she should ask Mike out and I had entirely personal and ulterior motives for that. I felt guilty using her but I figured Mike wouldn't mind.

Other than that the night was completely awkward. Jess prattled on about boys and even had the audacity to ask me if I'd slept with that 'Indian' boy and if so what it was like.

"Jess, he's Quileute, not just some 'Indian' boy and his name is Jacob and he's my friend, that's all."

"Too bad. He's looking mighty fine lately." She said with a lascivious smile. "What about you and Edward?"

We were in her car driving back from the movies. I was trapped. Otherwise I would have run from her. My heart went into overdrive at the mention of his name. I'd been trying, and doing a pretty good job, of not thinking about him this week but deep inside I was becoming more and more anxious. Had he left again? This time for good? Decided I really wasn't worth it? I knew I was the one pushing him away but I guess I'd been hoping he'd fight harder for us.

"Bellaaaa…" I heard Jess whine in the seat next to me. I took a deep breath.

"No Jess. I'm fully intact if that's what you mean."

"Geez Bella. What's with you? You had Adonis for a boyfriend and you play the ice queen?"

If only she knew. It was actually the ice king that was keeping me a girl instead of a woman and I might have laughed if her words hadn't twisted a knife inside of me. My patience was wearing thin with her and I silently vowed never to hang out with her again.

That night was the most difficult of all that week. For the first time in days I cried myself to sleep.

EPOV

I could hear her crying but I was still shut out. No more. Tomorrow I would confront her. Jessica's words stung and I had to fight my more primal nature that wanted me to grab Bella from the car and issue a warning to Jessica that she would never forget.

I so desperately wanted to call Alice and ask her if things would be okay but I couldn't do that. I wouldn't do that. But I would talk to Bella. And I would try everything in my power to make up for being a 'bastard' as Angela had put it.

BPOV

The next day was my visit to Jacob. It was another cold grey day but I found myself actually getting used to the weather and almost missing it when the sun did come out. The sun had come to be an almost unnatural thing in my mind for more reasons than I cared to admit.

Jake and I decided we would go visit the shaman today. What's the worst that could happen? She'd probably just tell us to go away, and Billy would probably yell at us, but so what? I'd been in far worse trouble than that in the past and Jake was too riled up about whatever was going on to care.

We climbed the hill to her shack. Smoke was rising from the chimney just like on the first day I'd gone there. But unlike that first day I found myself unable to go any further. I couldn't explain it. It was an uncomfortable feeling, a feeling like I didn't belong or I wasn't welcome and no matter how much I fought it I couldn't move forward.

"Bella?" asked Jake as he tugged on my hand trying to get me to come with him. As soon as my body crossed the invisible line I felt sick to my stomach and turned away bent over and ready to retch. And that's when the door opened.

When I turned back around to see who had opened the door I noticed the fine white grains of salt dotting the damp blades of grass, speckling them like ice crystals. And at that moment I knew that she knew my secret. She knew what Edward was.

The same young boy stood there for a moment staring at me and then he slipped back inside leaving the door open and a very confused Jacob looking from me to the door and then back at me. His attention turned back to the door when the shaman came out.

She looked sad and sympathetic as though she were sorry for something. Jacob spoke a few words to her in their ancient language and she in turn spoke to me in English.

"He came back." She said making a tsk'ing noise and shaking her head.

"Yes." I nodded.

"Had I known…"She trailed off shaking her head. She spoke again to Jacob.

"She says 'What is done cannot be undone.' Bella what is she talking about?"

I couldn't answer him. Somehow this old woman knew what Edward was. But I still didn't know what she meant.

"I don't know Jake. Ask her."

But instead she answered. "Be careful child. You are caught between two worlds and I can no longer help you." And with that she turned to go back inside.

"Wait!" I yelled. "What do you mean? Where's Sam?"

She turned back when she reached the door. "Sam will be fine. It's not him you should be worried about."

"I want to see him." piped in Jacob.

This time her sad look turned to him. "You will. Soon. And I'm very sorry for it."

She closed the door and we were left standing there confused and trying to decipher her words.

"Jake what the hell was that?"

"You tell me." He replied angrily, storming away towards the trees.

"I don't know." I yelled after him, following him into the woods.

"What did you do Bella?" He asked as he turned to face me.

"Nothing!"

"You're lying."

"I'm not. I did the ritual just like she said. Edward came back. End of story."

"Where is he now?"

I faltered. I hated lying.

"See? You are lying. What aren't you telling me?"

"I can't Jake." I whispered.

"Well let me know when you can. I'll be waiting."

He left me in the woods, dejected, rejected and feeling every bit as unworthy as I had always believed myself to be. How had this ended up being my life? How do you go from living in the heat soaked desert with your hair brained mother to the rainiest part of the world that just happens to have vampires and magic and all of these complications? I drove home feeling the black weight of depression descending on me.

As I was turning the key in the lock and pushing open the door to my house I heard that sweet honey voice behind me.

"Bella."

He was looking perfect as ever and I was torn between running to him and rushing inside and locking the door. Instead I just stood there frozen like a deer caught in the hypnotizing gaze of a predator. He took a step towards me and I took a step backwards.

"Bella." He repeated still moving forward and me still moving backwards until I was fully inside and getting ready to shut the door. But he placed his hand firmly on it preventing me from shutting it.

"Bella what's going on?"

How many times was I going to be asked that today? I stood silent.

He grabbed my face in his hands and kissed me. Fully and passionately and the sparks ignited between us, the ones that had been there from the very beginning, the ones that had set all of this on its path both good and bad.

He pulled away and my breath was gone.

"I missed you." He whispered. "Why have you been keeping me away?"

I shook him off of me.

"Bella please talk to me."

These were the things I'd been avoiding all week. The feelings and thoughts and conclusions and confusion and ultimately this conversation.

I sighed.

"I'm afraid, Edward." The words came out a mere whisper. I couldn't even look at him.

"Me too."

I raised my eyes to meet his, surprised.

"What of?" I asked, skeptical.

"Of losing you. Of never getting back even a tenth of what we had. Of the future. Of everything. That even if we do spend eternity together there will always be a kernel of doubt inside of you."

"Seems like we're mostly afraid of the same things."

"So that's why you've been keeping me away."

"What do you mean?"

"If you reject me I can't reject you."

I hadn't really thought of it that way but I knew it was true as soon as he said it.

"I thought maybe you left again. I couldn't face that. So I kept busy trying not to think about it. And I learned something too, or at least I think I did. It was something that was said to me. Something that made me feel guilty and got me thinking."

"What?" He asked his brow furrowing.

"I'm too dependent on you. It's not healthy. I've been ignoring my friends this whole time and that's not fair to them. Well, mostly Angela I guess but still…"

"Bella…" He said, shaking his head and letting out a small laugh.

He stepped closer and held me forcing me to look at him.

"You feel this right?"

I knew he was talking about that electricity that seemed to bind us together. The moment his skin made contact with mine it was dancing between us like tendrils wrapping us together.

I nodded yes.

"You're human. But I'm not. The same rules don't apply to us."

I looked at him confused.

"I've tried to tell you that our kind mates for life. That when we find that person they become an inextricable part of us. Like air or water to you we cannot live without them."

"But you left me…"

"Yes. And it was the worst few months I'd had since I left Carlisle all those years ago. I had a plan Bella. As soon as your life was over, as soon as you were gone, I was going to kill myself. I couldn't live in a world where you didn't exist. But honestly? I would have come back eventually. I wouldn't have been able to stay away from you."

"That doesn't make any sense Edward. Why leave in the first place? And why tell me such horrible lies?"

"Because of what happened. You must know that? In your heart of hearts didn't you know that? I can't stand to see you hurt Bella. I couldn't protect you. Not even from my own family. So we had to leave. It was the only way to be sure."

"Not the only way." I muttered.

"I know." He said, holding me to him and kissing the top of my head. "And if it's what you want, what you truly want," he said, pulling back, "Then it's yours."

"I can't believe that Edward. You say all of this now but what about next week or next month or even next year?"

"I'll wait. I can't promise I won't beg." He said with a smirk. "But I'll wait."

I sighed again, and leaned my head against his chest.

"What can I do right now?" he asked. "Is there anything that can make you feel better? Right now, in this moment?"

I looked at him.

"I need to know everything Edward. The truth. About everything. I feel like I don't know you. Not really. I want to know where you were and what you did while you were away. And I want to know about the time you spent away from Carlisle. I want you to trust me with all of it. No sugar coating. I love you for who you are _and_ what you are."

"I want it all Edward."


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: Hey everyone. I have to make this quick because I'm running out the door so if I miss a thank you I'm sorry. And if there are any errors in this chapter they are solely mine and not my beta's Aleea. Speaking of Aleea THANK YOU SO MUCH. She is seriously the most awesome beta and if you like this chapter it is in a large part due to her feedback and help.**

**That being said thank you to everyone who has been reading and alerting and favoriting. This story has been growing slightly in popularity and that makes me so happy because I love this story. Is it weird to love your own story?**

**Shout-outs:**

**Theonlykyla: Thank you so much my new reader. I'm sorry I haven't replied to your reviews but I want you to know how much they meant to me. As a writer my one goal and truest happiness comes from making my readers feel and it looks like I did that for you. Thank you.**

**Elbowroom: I am glad I can keep the story alive for you in a way you enjoy. I love the Twilight universe so much and while I am doing things to the characters Stephenie probably wouldn't like it is my hope that I still do them justice.**

**TDTifan: *Glad* I could make you cry too. You know what I mean right? It's one of the biggest compliments I can get. I think/hope this chapter will make you happy.**

**Marajade30: Hi Mara! Thanks so much for being such a faithful reader and reviewer. As I think I've said before it's people like you who keep me going especially during my emo times.**

**Ace1219: Thanks so much for reviewing and I'm glad you like it.**

**RubyLou: I agree with you about the dynamic being interesting. I've been thinking about it a lot because of the article I am working on. Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

**Ktsgran: I agree. Losing one's virginity does not make you a woman but I think Bella is too young to understand that right now. And I'm sorry I took so long with this. I hope you find it worth the wait.**

**Irishtwimom: Hope you enjoy your visit from Edward! ;) I'm jealous, lol. I delved into Edward's past in this chapter. It isn't pretty but I hope you like it.**

**Brokentragedy2: THANK YOU! I don't have time right now to post your art but I promise I will when I get home. You are, as always, so awesome and another person that keeps me going.**

**Belladonnacullen: I am SO happy about you continuing Edward and Bella's story! From one writer to another you are so talented and I feel honored that you like my work.**

**Alliesmom07: I missed you too! And I'm sorry this took so long. Hope you like it.**

**Bammers, cshorte, yankeerose: Thank you for being such faithful readers. I really appreciate it.**

**Okay, that got long! I really do need to go. This chapter has disturbing subject matter and some lemony type stuff. Just a warning.**

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I heard the sound first. It was a _Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! _sound that could have been mistaken by the ears of any human to be the sound of someone working on their house or in their yard. But I was no human. I could hear the thud of the metal hitting soft flesh and then cracking the bone beneath it. I could hear the cry of her voice as her feeble brain tried to understand what was happening to her. I could see in the dimming of her mind the image of her husband standing over her as he raised the coal shovel one last time.

I'd been in a nearby park contemplating the merits of an animal diet whilst I watched the rats skitter about eyeing me warily in the process. The man who'd cursed me to this 'life', the one who claimed to love me as his own, was somehow able to resist the cravings of our kind, the craving for blood. So much so that he actually _chose_ to work with it, to surround himself with sick and dying people. The word 'compassion' got tossed around a lot when it came to describing Dr. Carlisle Cullen. I think that compassion blinded him to the truth of what we are. Why else would he condemn a 17 year old boy to this mockery of existence?

He couldn't possibly understand what it was like for me. He'd never once taken a human life. Not in his three hundred plus years. No. Carlisle had it easy. Fed from a herd of deer and that was all it took. While I, on the other hand, struggled constantly. I woke hungry, but with a hunger unlike any I'd ever felt before. And I knew. I _knew._ I wasn't supposed to be alive. I was dying. I had been dying and I'd made peace with it. I would be with my God and with the people I loved. But now I would never be allowed that heaven. Not ever.

He took me from my home, from the only sense of peace I had left, from everything I'd ever known or understood to be true. He tried to be kind. Tried to coax and cajole me as one would a temperamental child which I suppose is what I was. But mortal children did not wish to massacre every living thing in a twenty-mile radius. Mortal children did not need their parents to hold them down for days on end while they snapped and hissed and spit and howled like a wild thing.

No. I was no child. My innocence was long gone and had since been replaced with anger and the bitter knowledge of the human mind. For it wasn't bad enough that my heart no longer beat or that my flesh held no warmth. It wasn't bad enough that I was cursed to walk this Earth forever and be denied the glory of Heaven. The Lord God in his infinite jest bestowed upon me the ability to peer into the minds of others and hear their thoughts. Every last little degrading, tawdry, tedious, boring thought.

It was like a freight train at first. Barreling through my head at full speed, every seat taken by a screaming child, and all of it magnified right in your ear. It was deafening, overwhelming, and did not engender me in the slightest to the concept of not killing them. I wanted nothing more than to silence every single one of those teeming voices.

It was that particular talent I was using now, here in Chicago, to justify a means to an end. I needed to eat. And they needed to die. They, being people like Mr. Marshall, who was currently beating his wife to death with a coal shovel. It didn't take me long to get there but I had to hang back. Otherwise the scent of Mrs. Marshall's blood would have sent me into a frenzy and I seemed to have enough self-preservation in me to know that being found gorging on the residents of this small neighborhood would be a very bad thing.

So I waited. I waited until the life ebbed out of her. Mr. Marshall went to fix himself a drink, taking a long pull from the unmarked bottle of whisky. I wanted to punish him, to beat him with the very shovel he used to end the life of the woman who vowed before God to love and to cherish him till death forced them to part. But I couldn't. I couldn't risk the scrutiny of the local police despite them having their hands full already with bootleggers and gangsters.

So I resisted the urge to punish him in the brutal manner he so richly deserved. I did, however, make sure he saw me coming. I let him see the swirling blood red of my eyes. I let my venom drip off my razor sharp teeth like some sort of wild animal salivating at its kill. I let him hear my chest rumble right before my killing strike. And I was not neat. I tore into him with relish. There would be no bite marks because his neck would be torn to shreds and there would be no evidence because I set his home ablaze when I was finished with my feast.

It was easy. So easy to be a killer back then. I was a monster among madmen. Any given week would have just as many deaths by gunshot alone as there were days in that week. Not to mention the hit and run car accidents. Do you want to know what they called those? Vampire automobiles. The first time I read that in a paper I wasn't sure if I should laugh or applaud them for their perception.

Husbands killed wives. Wives killed husbands; there were brawls over liquor and wagers that often led to guns waving in the air and then threats being made good on. The worst of male posturing left to flourish and grow in the wake of the Depression and Prohibition. Women were left for dead with cords tied around their throats and babies were fed poison by their own mothers.

It was those types of crimes that most caught my attention. Not the men gunning each other down or killing each other in the streets. It was the children. They were supposed to be innocent. Pure. Happy. Everything I could never be. I could hear them too. When they were curled safe and sound in their mother's wombs. They didn't have words like you or I to convey what they were thinking but the panic they felt when light seeped into the place they knew as home for the very first time, followed by the sharp sting of their life protecting fluid leaking away, was overwhelming and undeniable. These men, these so-called doctors, suffered the worst of my anger. I felt no guilt in snuffing out their lives, pulling them apart like one would a spider or a fly.

History will tell you that the Great Depression began in October of 1929, but I can tell you it started before then. Infants were tossed away like garbage into toilets or wrapped in aprons with kerchiefs stuck in their mouths and handed out with garbage because they were another mouth to feed, a mouth no one could afford to feed.

Sometimes whole families committed suicide to escape the despair surrounding them. As jobs were lost and food grew scarce, death became the better option. I found one such family under a rail road pass. They'd killed their baby and then each other. They looked so peaceful, curled towards each other even in death. I envied them.

"Do you still think I'm not a monster, Bella?"

BPOV

I stood staring at him for a moment, desperately wishing for once that he had Jasper's ability so that he could feel what I was feeling. I felt sorrow, and pity, and remorse, and surprisingly, I felt respect for him. He didn't realize it but he had just proven the point I've been trying to drive home since he revealed his secret to me. It was exactly this that made him NOT a monster. He lived through all of that pain and suffering and came out of it a better person. He not only looked into the abyss, he fell into it, and then he rose above it choosing his morals over his nature and he won.

I didn't think there were any words at this moment that could make him believe what I was feeling so I did the only thing I could think of. I stepped towards him and kissed him. It wasn't a passionate kiss. But it was a full on, embracing kiss that said _I love you. I love you and I'm never letting go. _I held his face in my hands trying to pour everything I was feeling into him and he just stood there dumbfounded. Clearly this was not the reaction he was expecting. I pulled away. My eyes were alight with unshed tears and I still held his face firmly in my small hands. I stared into his eyes willing him to understand and to not defy me.

We were still standing in the downstairs hallway, but the moment realization flitted across his face he flew us upstairs to my room and finally returned my kiss. And this time it did become passionate. An ever growing emotion between us, as though our bodies were trying to convey what our words could not.

"You don't think I'm a monster, do you?" He whispered in between kisses.

It was a rhetorical question. I could tell because his voice was filled with awe when he said it.

It was his turn to cradle my face in his hands, and I let him touch me and hold me however he needed to in that moment. I gave myself over to the sensations instead of overanalyzing them.

"Let me make love to you, Bella. Please." He begged in another whisper.

My knees went weak and my womb flared. How many times had I wanted to hear those words? As badly as I wanted it I couldn't let that happen yet for so many reasons. We still had much more to talk about. And I still wasn't convinced that he wouldn't leave again. And deep down I was still insecure, still worried that I wouldn't be good enough for him in that department, that maybe if I shared that with him he'd be so disappointed that he would no longer want to be with me. I couldn't handle that kind of rejection from him. I pushed him away gently, only succeeding in releasing his lips from mine.

"Not yet." I said as kindly as I could. "I'm sorry."

He kissed me a few more times and then crumpled into my computer chair pulling me into his lap.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push you."

"You didn't. It's okay." I raised his chin with my fingers so he would look at me. He had been honest with me. I needed to be honest with him.

"When you left, I resigned myself to thinking that I would never know what it would be like to be with someone. I knew that I never wanted to be with anyone besides you." I paused. "You're going to think it's ridiculous, but I can't tell you how many times I actually apologized to _it_," I motioned to my pelvic area, "for ruining everything, for not being good enough. So now, when you touch me, when you tell me you want me, I get scared. Scared that you'll leave again, scared that I'll disappoint you. I need to be sure before I give you that part of myself."

He placed his hand just below my stomach and apologized.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, looking down at where his hand rested.

I couldn't help but giggle. "Are you apologizing to me or to it?" I asked.

"Both?" he questioned, uncertain.

My first reaction was to laugh, and I did smile but then I quickly sobered when I remembered the other burning question I had, the one I had been truly dreading.

_But my kind…we're very easily distracted._

I stiffened at the memory.

"Bella, what?" he asked, sensing my distress.

I got off his lap and sat on the edge of the bed. I heard a low rumble from Edward, not quite a growl but certainly not human. I assumed my silent mind was once again driving him mad and I found myself wishing that at this particular moment he could read my mind since that would be so much easier than having to say the words out loud. Instead I said the only thing I could think of that might answer my question without me actually having to ask it.

"Where were you while you were gone?"

I couldn't even look at him, and I could feel my heart racing with panic in anticipation of his answer. Had he gone to Tanya? I'd never seen her but I had no doubt that she was as beautiful as the rest of them. And I did know that most of the family had gone to Alaska which is where she was. And even if it wasn't her there are a myriad of other women who would willingly fall into his bed. _If he had one_ I reminded myself, but I knew such a small detail wouldn't matter to whichever lover he chose.

"What does that have to do with what we were talking about?"

I felt anger flare in me. It was an emotion that ebbed and flowed within me with each peeled layer of our relationship, an onion skin of love and hurt. He was smart. Smarter than most people. Why couldn't he connect the dots? Why did he have to make me say it? He wanted me to say it? Fine. I would say it.

"_My_ kind are very easily distracted…" I sneered.

"Oh God, Bella, no!" He was suddenly kneeling in front of me clasping my hands in his. "Bella look at me." He pleaded.

"Never Bella, never. I belong only to you. I've no desire to share myself with anyone else, to be with anyone else. You are the only person who has ever inspired such thoughts in me."

"I only want you Bella."

"Then where were you?" I pressed because I really did want to know.

"I went after Victoria, tried to track her." He looked sheepish. "Turns out I'm not very good at tracking. I knew she wouldn't just let James' death slide so I tried to find her. But I failed even at that."

He looked down at our joined hands.

"Edward, it's okay. It's not your job to look after me." I squeezed his hands and pulled one of mine free to run it through his hair.

"But I want to Bella." He replied, looking up at me, still on his knees in front of me. "I should be able to protect you but I seem to fail at every turn. It makes me feel…impotent."

I couldn't help smirking at that. I leaned down and whispered, "Somehow Edward, I highly doubt you are impotent."

He paused for a moment, confused by the sudden change in direction and feel of the conversation but quickly recovered. He growled a low rumbling growl as he stalked up my body and leaned in, placing his hands on either side of me on the bed, and his lip's centimeters from mine.

Though a barely there touch was apparently the farthest thing from his mind because he pulled me flush against him so there was no mistaking exactly how _not impotent_ he was at the moment. It nearly undid me. We were perfectly lined up and I was suddenly throbbing in response to feeling him like that, so much so that I actually collapsed back onto the bed, heaving deep breaths.

I didn't dare move. I lay there with my eyes closed and every fiber of my being focused on that one spot between my legs which was currently hypersensitive despite two layers of jeans and our respective undergarments separating us. I just breathed and felt and breathed and felt while he did the same. His hands gripped my hips tightly and I knew that even against my better judgment I was currently at his mercy. He could ask almost anything of me and I'd give it.

"Damn it." I heard him whisper.

"What?" It came out as a sigh.

"Your father's home."

Was my Father developing a sixth sense for when my virginity was in jeopardy? I still couldn't entirely bring myself to care. I didn't budge but merely moaned in frustration.

Edward chuckled and started to pull away and I squeezed my legs indicating I didn't want him to.

"No." I muttered petulantly.

"Bella." He laughed. "I have to go."

I tried to ignore the way my brain wanted to twist those words into the worst imaginable meaning and finally opened my eyes as Edward pulled me up to face him.

"I'll be back in a little bit, I promise." He seemed to understand the fear I was trying to hide. "I'm going to feed. And you should do the same." He teased.

In a softer tone he added, "I love you Bella. I'll be here waiting for you when you come to bed."

I kissed him and then asked, "This might sound stupid Edward, but let me leave the room first?"

He looked sad but he smiled. "Of course." He replied, cupping my cheek gently.

We kissed once more and then I left to go downstairs and greet my Father.

I made it to the bottom of the stairs just as Charlie walked in the door.

"Hey Bells. How's things?"

"Good Dad." I tried to hide my flushed face by brushing past him towards the kitchen. "Sorry I haven't started supper yet. Want anything particular?"

"No problem Bells. Whatever you feel like is fine."

Some people might think it's odd that I cook for him, might perceive it as me being a weak woman falling into a stereotypical role, but I actually like cooking. I find it relaxing and I'm good at it so why not do it?

I roamed about the kitchen peeking into the pantry and fridge and cupboards. I had to suppress a chuckle when a funny thought popped into my head. _Watch me hunt, _I thought to myself wishing Edward could hear me. I found myself wishing that more and more these days. How much easier it would make things if he could just pluck thoughts from my head. Communication was hard, especially between two people who led fairly secluded lives, one out of necessity and the other because of feeling separate from everyone else, different. Not better than others, I wasn't that conceited, but like I didn't belong. Like I was meant for something else, and I was pretty sure that something else resided in a certain sparkling vampire despite whatever problems we were going through.

I found myself wishing I had someone I could confide in, someone impartial and yet privy to all the facts. That in turn made me think of Jacob. I felt so guilty for lying to him even if it was only by omission. He was my best friend, the only one that really stuck by me during the worst times of my life. I didn't fault Angela for her distance from me during that time, but I did have to give Jacob credit for being so persistent in helping me.

I decided right then and there, with my head stuck in the fridge that I was going to ask Edward if I could tell Jacob. I knew it was a long shot but I also knew I couldn't betray his confidence. What he was wasn't my secret to tell, but maybe if he knew how it was eating at me he'd consider it. It was a big secret, incredible, unbelievable and dangerous but I felt confident that it was a secret Jacob could keep. Otherwise, I would never even consider telling him.

"Pasta okay, Dad?" I yelled out to him. I didn't have to look to know he was already settled in his recliner. I could hear the clicking of the tv channels as he scanned for something to watch.

"Sure Bells." He replied.

I felt bad because pasta always seemed like such a copout but I had a couple of tricks for jazzing up jarred sauce. I pulled out some garlic, onion and peppers and began to chop them up while my thoughts drifted back over the events of the day.

There was still so much to process and learn. Where had Sam been? Why is everyone being so mysterious about the whole thing? Would the shaman tell anyone about Edward? No, she couldn't, could she? I mean, who would believe her, right? I hoped I was right about that.

Would Jacob forgive me, especially if I couldn't tell him about Edward? And if I had to continue to keep Edward's secret what would I tell Jacob? That Edward was hiding out in his old house unsupervised? Certainly not. But I couldn't lie either. I was in a rock and a hard place and I didn't like it.

I realized in that moment that the easiest solution would be for Edward's family to come back. That would really be the only way all of this could even begin to be explained in a way that wouldn't send tongues wagging. I was terrified of them coming back but it had to be done and soon. I added that to the mental list of things to talk to Edward about later on.

"God, that smells good Bella." Said Charlie as he snuck into the kitchen nearly scaring me out of my socks. "How long till it's ready?"

"Mm…15 minutes?"

"Can't wait." He smiled.

"So how was your day?" I asked him.

"Well, I talked to Sam." He said, while pulling out a chair to sit at the table.

"Really?" I spun round staring at him in surprise.

"Yep." Charlie ran his hand over his face, a motion he often made when he was feeling tired. "He called me at the station. Told me he'd gone camping, but he wouldn't say much more than that. I still don't know what to believe but there's not much else I can do. I reprimanded him for going off like that without telling anyone, made him promise not to do it again. I don't like the idea of anyone camping in the woods alone. It's not safe."

_If he only knew, _I thought.

"So is he home? Where's he staying?" My questions were rushed and impatient.

"Yeah, he's home. Talked to his Dad who said everything is fine. I couldn't argue with that. Man's his father. Not my business anymore."

"Hm." I mumbled and turned back to the food.

I was still dying to know what had really happened but I had to face the fact that I may never know. Secrets seemed to abound in this small wet town and it would be egotistical of me to think I had a right to any of them.

Supper turned out well and we made small talk about school and work and my new job at Newton's. Charlie did ask me how my day with Jacob went and it took a lot of willpower to try and hide the turmoil I was feeling about it. I mumbled a noncommittal response and proceeded to clear the plates as a distraction.

I finished up the last of my homework while sitting at the kitchen table while Charlie watched a game in the other room. Six months ago I would have wondered if this would be the last time I'd be sitting like this in the presence of my Father. I had been so eager to end my human life without a second thought as to how it would affect him or any other part of my life. It would be easier if I hated him but I didn't. I had no reason to. I knew that if Edward and I did resume the path our lives had previously been on that I wouldn't want to wait too long before changing, but I was also no longer in a rush. I would need to put some serious thought into it. Would I tell my parents I was going away indefinitely? Was there any way I could keep them in my life? Or would I have to fake my own death? The thought of putting them through that made my chest tighten. How could I do that to them? But I knew in the end that may be the only sensible option. So much to think about.

My mind weighed heavily with these thoughts as I trudged upstairs for my nightly ritual of a bath. Well, normally it was a shower but tonight I wanted a bath. I wanted a nice long soak in nearly scalding water to work away the knots that had built up in my muscles. I stopped in my room briefly to grab my pajamas and my small am/fm radio. I figured if I was going to go through the trouble of a bath I might as well thoroughly enjoy it.

I filled the tub adding a couple of drops of rose oil and even lit one of the decorative candles. Classical music coursed over me as I immersed myself in the sweet-scented water. I lay there letting my mind empty and my thoughts clear of all stressful topics, choosing instead to allow the more pleasant ones to flow in. As I listened to the music I thought about Edward playing the piano and realized that I had missed that. It was one of the many things I hadn't allowed myself to think about in his absence which led me to another thought that nearly made me want to smack myself for not thinking of it before. What had he done with all of our things? The photos and music and all the little mementos? I added that to the list of questions.

I wondered if he was in my bedroom yet. I tried to imagine what he would be doing. Did he ever snoop around my things? Would he stand by the window deep in thought? Sit at my desk staring at my ancient computer shaking his head? Or was he already in my bed?

That thought only brought more questions. Above the sheets or under? Clothed or not clothed? Did he even own pajamas? What kind would he wear if he did? Flannel? Silk? More tiny pieces that made up the puzzle that was Edward Cullen.

I thought about the conversations we'd had today. Him finally opening up to me about his past warmed me to him, which I'm sure was quite opposite from the reaction he was expecting. I thought about him begging me to let him make love to me and I felt a warmth spread through me that had nothing to do with the water. I let my hands roam my body, exploring the curves and dips, and wondered if he would find my form pleasing. Was I too skinny? Was my chest too small? What was I like 'down there'? I'd hardly ever touched myself there nor had I ever looked at it. Was it ugly? Did it smell bad?

I tentatively explored myself with my left hand, not for sexual purposes but just to see what it felt like. I ran my fingers lightly along each fold. The soft curls that bordered the edges tickled my fingers as I did so. I dipped a finger just a tiny bit inside not daring to venture far at all because it somehow seemed wrong to me, like it wasn't my place to do that. Still, I could feel a silkiness there that differed from the now cooling water. I ran my finger up to the one part of my anatomy that I did know well despite having ignored it for the past six months and I couldn't help my sharp intake of breath when I made contact. It had been a dead thing while Edward was gone but it suddenly seemed to have burst to life in his presence as though it knew the potential for intimacy had returned. I moved my finger a few more times, allowing myself to enjoy the sensations it stirred in me. My head lolled to the side and I closed my eyes.

EPOV

_What in heaven's name is she doing in there?_ I thought to myself. But I wasn't stupid. I knew. Half of me was elated that she was beginning to feel comfortable enough to do such a thing and half of me felt frustrated and a flicker of unwarranted anger at not being able to just go in there and make her mine. I wasn't angry at her. I was briefly angry at Charlie for being home but mostly I was angry at myself for putting us in this situation. Had I not left perhaps I would have made love to her by now and we wouldn't have to be tip toeing through a minefield of emotional bombs. But no. Realistically I knew that had I never left I would still be pushing her away. I would still be trying to protect her at every turn because of believing her to be so fragile.

I was distracted from my musing when I heard the water draining from the tub. I imagined her standing there wet and glorious. I wanted so badly to touch her and worship her, I wanted so badly for her to let me touch and worship her. I wanted to acquaint myself with her body in ways I had never before allowed myself to. I decided I couldn't wait. I stood and opened her bedroom door carefully so as not to rouse Charlie. I listened for the whisper of fabric on skin that would indicate she had wrapped a towel around her, and then I waited no more.

My brain raced thinking of a way to enter the bathroom without surprising her and causing her to cry out and I got an idea when my eyes fell on her notebook. I quickly tore a page out and scribbled a note on it asking her to open the door. I slid it under the bathroom door making sure to rustle it as much as possible so she would notice it and moments later she opened the door a sliver. She had a somewhat put out look on her face as she tried to hide her body behind the door.

"Bella, love, open the door." I whispered while brushing my fingers across her cheek.

"I'm not dressed yet." She whispered back.

"I know." I replied with my signature grin.

She huffed and rolled her eyes. "Edward, I thought we already talked about this."

"We did and that's not what I'm asking." I nudged the door with my foot opening it a tiny bit wider.

"Then what are you asking?"

"Well, first I'm asking you to open the door." She finally acquiesced and opened it just enough for me to slip inside.

She stood there in a flimsy white towel. Her hair was pulled up in a loose bun and her skin was mostly dry. She was, as always, beautiful.

"Sooo…?" she asked.

I smiled at her impatience.

"I wanted to stop you from getting dressed." I said it very matter of factly. No lasciviousness, no teasing, no implications. I wasn't after sex. She seemed to sense this.

"Why?" she asked, genuinely curious.

I want you to come to bed like this, in the towel. I want to touch you." She began to protest. "Not like that Bella, I swear. Please just trust me…and indulge me. It's my way of asking you questions."

She giggled. "You're going to ask me questions by touching me?"

"I'm going to get to know you by touching you." I replied seriously.

She blushed slightly and her heartbeat picked up. She thought for a moment and then answered me.

"Okay." It came out the merest of whispers.

"Okay." I repeated and leaned down to kiss her.

She quickly thrust her hand over her mouth and mumbled underneath it. "Still need human minute."

I chuckled. "Alright." I took her pajamas with me when I left.

I sat in her room nervous. I had never done anything like this before. I had a wealth of knowledge from decades of mind reading but that wasn't the same as doing. Still, I hoped that that knowledge would at the very least keep me from behaving like a fumbling teenager. And, of course, I did have to be careful. Bella may not be as fragile as I had once led myself to believe but I was still strong. Exceptionally strong, and it had taken years of practice to do simple things like turn a door knob or sit without breaking chairs. I went through more than one piano in my early years.

I pulled her sheets to the very end of the bed and turned off the overhead light opting instead for the bedside lamp. I kept my clothes on except for my shoes. I wanted to make her as comfortable as possible and free her from any notions of a hidden agenda in this. I floundered at what state I should be in when she came in. Should I sit on the bed? Stand somewhere? Lie down? In the end I decided on sitting in the rocking chair. She came in and shut the door softly behind her and stood there awkwardly shifting her feet.

BPOV

Edward sat in my rocking chair still fully clothed except for his shoes. I breathed a sigh of relief internally. It's not that I didn't want him but I'd meant what I said earlier about not being ready yet. That aside I was completely clueless as to what was about to happen. My inexperience weighed heavily on me and I shifted uncomfortably. He stood and was in front of me in a flash.

"Bella." He whispered reverently as he cupped my face in his hands and leaned down to kiss me. It was slow and soft and only tinged with a hint of passion, nothing overwhelming or intimidating.

"Lie down." He instructed, pointing at the bed.

I complied. I was stiff as a board and clutched my towel tightly to me, my eyes trained on the ceiling.

"Bella, relax."

I felt the bed dip as he sat down next to me. I looked at him for reassurance.

He smiled gently. "Close your eyes, love."

I did as he said.

"Now breathe."

I let out a long breath I hadn't even realized I'd been holding.

"Good. Again."

I took in a few more and thought back to when I was taking my bath and how relaxed I had felt then. It worked. I loosened my death grip on the towel and settled into the mattress. I felt the bed shift again but this time I kept my eyes closed and just concentrated on my breathing.

"I still have questions Edward." I whispered.

"They can wait." His cool breath washed over my neck and he placed a kiss at the pulse point just below my ear. _Cheater_ I thought. But I couldn't help the sigh that escaped me or how my body relaxed further at that one simple touch. I let my hands drift to my sides.

He kissed his way along the underside of my chin and then made his way to my lips and this time I gave into it and kissed him back. We were both breathing a bit heavier when he pulled back.

"Beautiful Bella." He said while cradling my face and running his thumbs over my lips. His hands made their way through my hair and round to the back of my neck and to my shoulders. It was a simple and soft caress.

He continued down my left arm using both of his hands to massage my muscles. _Oh. That's what this is._

When he got to the palm of my hand, he used his thumbs, making small delicate circles which caused a very surprising reaction in me.

EPOV

I ran the pads of my thumbs around the flesh of her palm in a barely there touch and as soon as I did so I heard her take in a sharp breath. A moment later I caught a subtle hint of her woman scent floating through the air and I stored this information away for another time. I kissed the palm of her hand tenderly, and ever the masochist I kissed the inside of her wrist as well savoring the strong pulse that beat there. After paying equal attention to her other arm I moved down the bed to her feet.

BPOV

When he finished with my arms, I felt him slide to the end of the bed and take my right foot in his hands. I had a moment of self-consciousness but dispelled it quickly as he massaged me firmly yet gently.

He moved his hands to the undersides of my calves when he had finished with my feet and ran his hands gently up them shifting to the top of my legs when he reached my thighs. I stiffened slightly when he began kneading the flesh there and working his way up.

"Relax Bella. Trust me."

I did trust him, at least with this and in this moment. So I took a deep breath and let him continue.

EPOV

I could feel the heat emanating from her and I hoped I could be true to my words and keep myself from touching her there. I let my hands slide close though, my thumbs running up the insides of her thighs and just under the towel which was rather short. That brought me very close to _her, _but somehow I managed to control myself despite the fact that her legs shifted slightly open as I touched her, a move I was sure she was unaware of. Or maybe she was aware of it. Her head rolled to the side and her arm came to rest next to it. She sighed as I let my fingers follow the path my thumbs had on the inside of her thighs and I caught more of her scent, much stronger this time.

Her body rose and fell in a single wave of what could only have been pleasure and I pulled my fingers back down towards her knees in an effort to rein us in.

"Again." She pleaded in a whispered breath.

I began to do as she asked and then stopped myself midway.

"Bella…I won't be able to stop." I warned her. My voice came out anguished because I had promised her and I was so easily coming undone.

"Please…."

But she couldn't wait for an answer it seemed because her left hand slid down her torso and disappeared under the towel and I knew at once she was doing the same thing she had been in the bathroom. Her body bloomed in a sweet pink flush and the air blossomed with the smell of roses and musk.

I ran my fingers back up the insides of her thighs and her legs parted for me. Not enough to see anything but enough to know she was giving her permission. Her hand was moving in languidly and her index finger was hidden by the towel. I moved my thumbs to her center caressing her gently and doing everything in my power to keep myself in check. This needed to be about her and dictated by her. She gasped at my touch and her back arched up off of the bed.

I continued to run my fingers through her silk coating them with her essence and teasing her entrance. He speed had picked up and she was writhing beneath me. I knew what her body wanted but I swore that I would wait until she was ready.

"Oh God…Edward, please…"

_Please what? What was she asking for?_

I almost didn't care because the woman I loved, and would love for eternity, was lying wanton beneath me and I had never felt more electrified by her than I did in that moment.

"Please…" she whispered again.

I leaned down over her, resting on one arm while my other hand continued to pleasure her. I was drunk and intoxicated by the sights and sounds beneath me and I desperately wanted to watch her climax.

I nudged her finger out of the way and took over and she immediately grabbed onto me and buried her face in my shoulder. She was seconds away and a surge of pride and confidence swelled in me knowing that I could affect her so.

"Yes." I whispered into her ear and that was all it took. She exploded beneath me and wrapped her legs around me seeking purchase. I swallowed her cries with a kiss and cradled her to me until she stilled.

"I'm sorry, Edward." She said when she finally pulled away.

"For what?" I nearly laughed.

"We weren't supposed to do that. I let my stupid human hormones take over."

There was an edge to her voice I didn't like.

"Hey." I said softly, cupping her chin so she would look at me. "Your hormones are not stupid. You are not stupid and I am so sorry I ever made you feel that way. All that time I made you feel so unwanted and really it was because I was trying to mask my own desire for you. I never gave a single thought as to how it would make you feel. I'm truly sorry."

"Please forgive me Bella. I rather like your human hormones." I admitted with a sly smile.

She smiled back. "I'll forgive you on one condition."

"Name it."

"Will you finish the massage? Maybe on my back? It did feel good."

How could I refuse her? I kissed her once sweetly and then she turned to lay on her stomach.

I steered clear of her legs this time and instead focused on her shoulders and neck. She was already relaxed so it was more about touching her and getting to know her body. Her skin was so soft and she was so tiny. She reminded me of a delicate bird and I wondered if she would ever take flight.

I worked down her back following the curve of her spine and without me even asking she loosened her towel and lowered it so I could reach more of her. I could see the small swell of her breasts pressed into the mattress and I groaned inwardly remembering what they had looked like in the firelight that night in the woods. I wanted to touch them and kiss them and worship her the way she so richly deserved, but that would have to wait.

It didn't take long before I heard Bella's breathing shift from peaceful wakefulness to peaceful sleep and I marveled at this gift she had given me. Not even counting our momentary lapse of reason this had been a wonderful experience for me. I felt honored that she had allowed me to explore her and I did feel that I knew her a bit better now and had a better understanding of what she might like when we were more fully together.

I shut off the light and crawled into bed next to her, raising the blankets to cover us both. Occasionally I would toy with a lock of her hair or run a finger along the skin of her back, but mostly I just watched her breathe and thanked whatever God there was for this second chance.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: Hi everyone. First off I want to give a shout-out to my beta Aleeab4u. Without her there would have been lots of stupid little mistakes in this chapter. She is an awesome beta and a talented writer and I am so thankful that she agreed to work with me. If you haven't already done so you should go read her stuff and show her some love.**

**Baynewen, Mara, brokentragedy2, belladonna, sarita, cshorte, ktsgran, ace1219, irishtwimom, tdtwifan, alliesmom, Pamela, your words keep me going and I am truly grateful for all of you.**

**Thank you so much to everyone who is reading this and favoriting and alerting it and especially reviewing. **

EPOV

During the night I was blessed with two more gifts from Bella, one of them not so honorable and the other that meant so much more to me. The not so honorable one being that her towel had slipped away during the night and I relished being able to feel the entirety of her skin flush against me. Which brings me to the thing I was most thankful for; her towel had slipped away because she had turned in her sleep and snuggled herself up against me. She seemed so relaxed and peaceful, and she seemed to relax even further once we were embraced. She'd uttered not a word during the night, but her actions spoke volumes of trust even if it was still mostly subconscious. It meant that these emotions were working their way toward the surface and that perhaps there was hope after all. Hope that we could fix things and return to more than simply a semblance of our past selves, but to something deeper than we could have imagined possible back in those days of youthful ignorance.

Bella began to stir as the darkness of night turned to shades of grey slipping in through the curtains framing her window. She stretched against me like a cat before opening her eyes and I seized the opportunity to hold her tighter while running my hands along the soft skin of her back. I knew this languid comfort she was experiencing would fade the more she woke.

I rolled her onto her back and she hummed softly in pleasure as my lips made their way down her neck and I figured why not push my luck? I have never denied being selfish. I let my lips wander further down until my lips dusted her chest with feather light kisses and her body reacted perfectly arching itself to me and quickening her heart. She grabbed onto my head momentarily encouraging me, and then just as quickly tried to guide me away.

"I have to get ready for school." She whispered.

I sighed in defeat because I knew she was right. "I know." I made my way back up and gave her a lopsided grin. Her eyes were finally open, and though they were still somewhat sleep laden they also looked warm and comforting.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself." I apologized.

BPOV

"It's okay." I was surprised at how much I actually meant those words. It was like the events of yesterday, Edward's frankness about his past plus pushing our physicality, had somehow replaced one of those missing pieces of my heart. Not enough to truly forgive or forget all that had taken place between us and all that yet needed to happen, but enough that this kind of touching no longer felt like a threat.

"Hmm." I grumped, looking at the ceiling.

"What?" he asked while running his fingers gently across my cheek.

"Yesterday I made a mental list of more things we need to talk about, but I don't know when the heck we're going to be able to." I said, exasperated. "I have school today; then Newton's afterwards, supper, homework, bed and I really should sleep instead of staying up all night talking to you."

"Is it anything time sensitive?" he asked, leaning up on one elbow.

"I suppose not. Well one thing kind of is, but there really isn't time to talk about it right now. If I just had school maybe I could skip, but I can't skip both school and Newton's." I sighed, frustrated.

"Bella, you're driving me crazy. You know I hate it when I don't know what you're thinking."

"Well believe me Edward, I wish you could read my mind. Right about now it would make things so much easier. I could just think everything while going about my day."

He chuckled. "I never thought I'd hear you say that. You were always so guarded with your thoughts."

"Yeah, well, that's because they were stupid."

"Bella…" he began to admonish.

"I'm serious, Edward. It's like I look back on myself sometimes and wonder what I was thinking. Some of it was just so shallow. I mean how many times in one day can a girl think about how beautiful her boyfriend is? I did it way more than I care to admit." My cheeks began to turn pink.

"Does this mean you no longer think I'm beautiful?" There was a hint of amusement in his tone.

"You know I do." I replied, giving him a light whack on the shoulder. "There's just so much more to think about right now."

"And most of it isn't good." He continued.

"No, it's not." I agreed. "But this is good." I said while cupping his cheek.

"It is, isn't it?" He smiled.

"It is." I confirmed.

He kissed me sweetly.

"Your father's gone to work. I could make you breakfast?"

"No. You'll just distract me." I smirked.

"I'll see you tonight then?"

"Yes. Maybe I can get away with turning in a bit early so we have at least a little time to talk."

"Alright. I'll come by around 9 and see if you're in bed."

"Sounds good. Now get out because if you think I'm letting you see me like this you are sorely mistaken." I said, referring to my unclothed body.

"A boy can hope…" he trailed off while pecking my cheek one last time and then he was gone.

I wrapped the towel around me just in case and got started on my day.

"Sooo…" asked Angela as we headed to class.

"Sooo…what?" I mocked, knowing full well what she wanted to know and still completely unsure of what to say.

"How are things with Edward? Are you still talking to him?"

"Yes. And things are…" God what did I say? _Gee Ange things are great. Last night he finally confided in me that he'd killed people back in the 1920's and after that he gave me a massage that led to more_?

Instead I just shook my head and huffed.

"Oh come on! I deserve more than that."

And she did. I just didn't know what I could give.

"I know you do, Ange. I'm just not sure what to say. I'm trying to respect his privacy, and frankly _our_ privacy. I don't mean anything against you by that. It's just still so raw."

"Well, can you tell me if they're moving back? You know I won't tell anyone, right?"

"I know and yeah, I'm pretty sure they'll be moving back but that's something he and I still need to talk about." I paused and then continued. "I want them to." I admitted. "I know it won't be easy but I miss him. I miss seeing him every day; being able to walk to class with him, talking with him, listening to his music."

"His music?"

"Yeah, he plays piano."

"Wow. That's great. He's good?"

"Very." I smiled.

"He's quite the package, isn't he Bella? Too bad he couldn't see that you are too."

"Yeah, well, tell him that next time you see him." I nudged.

"Maybe I will." She declared haughtily.

EPOV

"Oh God, Edward, I'm just bouncing up and down in my shoes right now!" squealed Alice.

"Alice…" I warned. "I told you I didn't want you looking into our future."

"I know, I know, but I couldn't help it! Please…" She begged, dragging the word out.

"No, and please stop thinking about it. It's hard to ignore your thoughts when you're screaming them at me."

"Well you're no fun."

I could practically hear her pouting.

"That's certainly not the first time I've been accused of that."

"Wow. Did you just make a joke?"

"It's been known to happen."

"Really, when?" she challenged.

"I'm going to hang up now, Alice."

"Don't." Her voice returned to normal. "We miss you. _I_ miss you."

I felt a wave of guilt. "I know, and I'm sorry for that. I miss you too. I just couldn't see it before."

"Well, my visions aside, how are things going between you two?"

"Good." I couldn't help smiling and I was sure that smile seeped into my voice. "I think we're going to be okay."

A tiny flicker of a vision began to crawl its way through the phone and I quickly slammed the little metal contraption shut.

"Stupid meddling pixie…" I muttered, but despite my annoyance that seed of happiness was still planted inside of me lifting my spirits.

BPOV

How on Earth did Jessica find out everything so quickly? Did she have bugs planted in the houses of every Forks resident? Somehow she already knew about Sam being back.

"Okay, so who here really believes that Indian guy was camping? Raise your hands." She said in her annoying voice. "No? No takers? Yeah, I didn't think so." She turned her attention to me.

"C'mon on Bella, you must know _something_." She whined.

I resisted the urge to throttle her while trying to think of a witty comeback.

"I don't know, Jess. You seem to know an awful lot. What do you think happened?"

Oops. Wrong answer. Her eyes lit up at the opportunity to keep talking.

"Alright. Can you guys keep a secret?" She whispered conspiratorially while leaning in.

I eyed her skeptically while Angela looked bored and Mike kept stealing surreptitious glances at me.

"Another one went missing sometime last night." She nodded her head while smiling. How could one person find so much joy in the misfortune of others? I would have made some crack about her having a future as a tabloid reporter if my spine wasn't suddenly tingling in fear of who had gone missing, a fear that her next words confirmed.

"Bella I think it was your guy. What's his name? James? Jared? Jacob! Right? Jacob." She said before I had a chance to speak. Not that I could have uttered a coherent word at that point anyway. My heart went into overdrive and my brain raced while I tried to stave off a panic attack.

_Jacob! _No. No. No. No. Please let her be wrong. It was terribly selfish and cruel of me, but I prayed her dim-witted mind had gotten the names wrong since I was sure every Quileute looked the same to her. I wanted to run and flee and drive to La Push, but I couldn't and I wasn't sure I had ever felt as helpless as I did in that moment. I was torn between doing what I was supposed to do, which was stay in school, and doing what in my mind was the right thing; leave and try to help in any way I could. I did the next best thing I could think of. I grabbed my things without a word and dashed for the front office hoping that Ms. Cope would let me call Charlie.

I was winded and slightly damp by the time I reached the office. I had to slump on her counter for a minute before I caught my breath enough to speak.

"My Lord, child. What's wrong?" She asked. "You look like you've seen a ghost. Are you ill? You really should have gone to the nurse's office…"

I cut her off. "I need to call my Dad. Please." I begged.

She looked at me for a moment wondering if she should let me, but one good thing about a small town is they're a lot more lax about stuff. Finally she nodded yes and picked up the old rotary phone placing it on the counter in front of me. I quickly dialed the station.

"Hey there Shelly," answered a gravelly voice, "what can I do for you?"

"Sorry, no, this is Bella Swan. Can I speak to my Dad?"

"Oh." Said the voice on the other end in surprise. "Sorry kiddo. He's out of the office right now."

I figured as much.

"I know. Can you patch me through to him? It's really important."

"Hold on. I'll see how busy he is."

The line went quiet and I tapped my fingers impatiently. Images of Jacob ran through my head. I knew damn well he wasn't camping and my gut was twisted with worry for him.

"Hey, Bells." My Father's weary voice came across the line.

"Dad! What's going on?" I asked in a panic.

"How do you even know anything's going on?" He sidetracked.

"Um, Jessica?" As much as I disliked her, I didn't want to actually get her in trouble.

"Figures. Stupid police scanners. Wish they'd never made those things."

_Ah. That's how she found out so quickly._

"Everything's fine, Bells. It was a false alarm. Jacob's fine."

"Well…what happened?" I stammered. My heart finally began to slow down.

"Jake skipped school, and if you ever think of doing anything like that young lady…"

This explanation was too simple. The warning bells in my head resumed.

"So you've talked to him? You're sure he's okay?"

"I talked to Billy."

"Dad, you need to talk to Jacob."

"Bella, what's this about?"

Uh-oh. Charlie's cop nature was kicking in. I hated to do it, but I had to play the Edward card.

"Sorry Dad." I whispered, half for effect and half to try and hide the conversation from Ms. Cope who was studiously trying to look like she wasn't listening in. "It's just with what happened…you know what I mean…I just panicked. I can't lose anyone else…" I trailed off.

He sighed. "Will it really make you feel better if I go over there and talk to him personally?"

I desperately wanted to say yes, but I realized that having his cop instincts snooping around might not be the best idea in this situation. I'd have to solve this mystery myself.

"No, it's okay. I'm sorry I bothered you. I should get back to class." I hoped I was being convincing enough.

"S'okay kid. You'll be at Newton's today right?"

"Yep. I'll see you tonight." I hung up before he could say anything else.

"Can I get a pass to get back in class?" I asked Ms Cope while sliding the phone back toward her.

"Everything okay, Bella?"

I knew she was dying for details.

"Yeah. I just heard a stupid rumor and fell for it. I'm really sorry for wasting your time."

"Not at all, Bella. It's nice to shake up routine now and then." She smiled.

Oh how I so very much wished for the opposite. I wanted routine right about now. I wanted to believe that Jake was okay. I wanted to go through a single day without worrying about anyone or anything. I wanted things I couldn't have.

"So Bella, you took off awful quick today during lunch. What happened?"

I was full of nervous energy and the last thing I wanted to do was get grilled by Mike Newton. I let my hair fall over my face and tried to shrug him off.

"It was nothing, Mike. No big deal."

"Sure didn't look that way to me." He scoffed. "You really like that kid, don't you?" He sounded a bit dejected.

"I do." I nodded while folding t-shirts. "But not like that."

Darn it. Why didn't I ever think before I speak?

"Oh well…about that movie?" he asked hopefully. He'd been mentioning it for a couple of days now, some new romantic comedy, and for the last couple of days I'd been giving him noncommittal grunts in response. Looks like I wouldn't be able to get away with that anymore.

I sighed and flung my hair over my shoulder so I could look at him. He looked so hopeful I just didn't have the heart to do it so I tried deflecting again.

"Have you thought about asking Jessica?" I tried, smiling.

"Oh…um…" he replied, taken off guard. "No." He picked at an imaginary piece of lint.

"I'm pretty sure she likes you, you know."

This did not have the desired effect. In fact he looked even worse.

"Forget it." He said, shoving himself away from the counter and going out back. Great. This day had started out so good too.

I spent the rest of my shift up front while he brooded out back and he didn't even say bye to me when I left. I really wasn't very good at this relationship thing, even when it was just friends.

The ride home was dark and wet and I used the time alone to try and think about Jacob and what to do. I felt so confined by all my responsibilities. Edward had it so easy. He could just come and go as he pleased while I was stuck with school and work and having to pretend I didn't live in a world where vampires existed. I was definitely feeling envious of his freedom at the moment though I knew he would chastise me for thinking such a thing because that freedom came with a price. A price I was pretty sure I was willing to pay if it meant spending eternity with Edward.

"Hey Billy." I'd decided I would at least try calling Jacob and see what happened. "Is Jacob around?"

"He can't talk right now." Came his curt reply.

_Quick Bella. THINK!_

"Well…my truck's making a funny noise. I was wondering if he could look at it?" I asked hopefully. Billy loved that truck as much as I did. It was practically a family heirloom. Surely he couldn't refuse this request.

"Jacob's grounded, Bella. So I'm sorry, you'll just have to go to a mechanic."

_Was he serious? _Did he really just suggest that a close family friend go dish out bucks to the town mechanic? My stubborn streak flared.

"Well, maybe if I could just talk to him for a sec and tell him what it's doing he can tell me what's up."

"The answer is no, Bella. And please don't call back." And with that he hung.

I stood staring at the receiver in shock. Never had Billy ever talked to me like that. So I knew. I knew without a doubt that whatever had happened to Sam was happening to Jacob, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.

EPOV

I paced Bella's room as quietly as I could. I had arrived early in my impatience to see her and now I almost wished I hadn't. I should have seen this coming. _Alice _should have seen this coming, but I guess she was too busy looking at my future with Bella to think about anything else.

We had left. And in our absence the wolf blood in the Quileute tribe had tempered and become complacent. There was no threat, no reason for the young men of the tribe to shift. But when I came back I set off an inevitable chain reaction and now a whole generation of youths would be condemned until we left again. Except I had no intention of leaving unless Bella asked me to, and after this she may very well do just that.

BPOV

While I sat at the table making a pathetic attempt to do my homework I heard the floorboards above me creak faintly. _That's sloppy of him, _I thought. Well it was nearly 9pm anyway. I made quick work of my nightly routine, not even bothering with a shower, in my haste to get to Edward. He was pacing the length of my bedroom when I entered.

"Edward, what's wrong?" I asked as I stood in his path, stilling him. He looked upset and all I could think was _please not another thing wrong. I can't handle any more right now._

"It's my fault, Bella." He said, pulling me to him and burying his face in my hair. "Stupid of me." He muttered, and pulled back to look at me while holding me at arms length. "I just got you back and now I'm going to lose you again." He looked like he was going to cry.

"Edward, you're not going to lose me." I hoped. "Talk to me."

"I know what's happening to your friend."

"Really? That's great!" I replied in an excited whisper.

He shook his head. "It's not great Bella, and I'm terrified you won't be able to forgive me."

"Did you hurt him?" I pulled back in fear.

"No! No. Not like that. Not what you think." He sat down on the bed and pulled me with him.

"What do you know about the Quileute legends?" he asked.

"Um…besides the magic stuff?"

"Besides the magic stuff."

I thought back to all my conversations with Jacob and the Shaman searching for any clue as to what he might be talking about. The only thing I could think of was my suspicion that the Shaman knew what Edward was.

"There's an old woman. She's the one who helped me get you back." I said sheepishly. I was still a bit ashamed at having resorted to such unorthodox methods and I was scared to tell him my suspicions.

"Go on." He encouraged.

I couldn't look at him. "It's my turn to be scared, Edward."

"Why?"

"Because I think she knows about you. I swear I didn't tell her." I said, shaking my head. "I would NEVER do that. You have to believe me." My words stumbled one over the other, terrified that he would leave me if he thought I'd told.

"I'm sure she does know, Bella." He replied sadly.

"You are?"

"Yes." He said, nodding.

"Are you mad at me?"

"No, of course not. I know you didn't tell her."

"So what does this have to do with Jake?"

"Did Jake ever tell you any of the wolf legends from their tribe?"

_You will always have home amongst the wolves._

The Shaman's words rang through my memory.

"The Shaman mentioned wolves once, but I didn't know what she was talking about."

"The Quileute are shape-shifters, Bella. They can turn into wolves."

I let out a disbelieving laugh and then let my mouth hang open. "No." I stated while shaking my head.

"Yes." He replied, very matter of fact. "Is it so hard to believe after everything you've seen?"

"You're telling me that Jacob is turning into a werewolf?"

"Yes." He was still somber, and my brain was quickly catching up.

"Why does that bother you, Edward?" I asked suspiciously.

"Because it's my fault." He said, looking down at his lap.

"What do you mean?"

"They were fine before. They were _normal."_ He shook his head and looked away, and I knew he was jealous of that normalcy. "But I left you." He continued while turning to face me again.

"But you came back. " I whispered.

"Right. I came back. And that triggered their transformation. If I'd never left you, this wouldn't be happening.

"Let's not play the blame game, Edward. At least I know Jacob is alive. What does this mean for him though?"

He pulled us further onto the bed so that we were sitting in the middle instead of perched on the edge.

"It's painful. The transformation. That's why he's 'missing'. They've likely taken him somewhere while he goes through it."

"Is it a full moon?" I started to get up to look out the window.

"No Bella." He replied while grabbing my wrist and gently pulling me back down. "They can change at will except for the first time. The first time just sort of happens. You probably won't even recognize him the next time you see him."

"Why? Will he be all sorts of hairy or something?"

Edward chuckled. "You amaze me, you know that?"

"Why?" I smiled shyly.

"I just told you that your best friend is a wolf and you're so calm about it."

"Well, you always said I didn't respond to things the way I should."

"Mhm. I should clarify that. It's not fair for me to compare you to everyone else, especially when considering there is no comparison." He smirked.

"You're cheating again." I accused.

"How am I doing that?" He asked while leaning toward me.

"By flattering me."

"Is it working?"

"No."

"You're a terrible liar, Bella."

I placed my hands on his chest. "Thank you, but can we please finish discussing Jacob?"

"Yes. Of course." He replied, sitting up straight. "Jacob will not be hairy or howling at the moon or anything of the sort. But he'll be bigger and stronger, and he probably won't be very happy to see you."

"Why?" I asked, almost offended.

"Because he'll know, Bella. He'll know the secret you've been keeping from him; he'll know why he's changed." His voice was soft and concerned.

"Are you mad at me?" He asked.

"No. No, I'm not." I pulled him down so that we were lying side by side. "It's not your fault. I know you think it is, but it isn't. And this actually solves one of the things I wanted to talk to you about. I just hope that Jacob can forgive me."

"What was it you wanted to talk about?"

"I was going to ask you if I could tell him. It was killing me to not tell him. He knew something was up, and we got into a fight about it last week."

"I wouldn't worry about that too much, Bella. They get very emotional right before they change, angry actually. And he'll be that way for awhile after too. You'll need to be patient."

"You promise he's okay though?" I rolled to face him and laid my hand on his chest.

"He's alive if that's what you mean."

I looked into his eyes searching for more of an answer than that. Edward sighed.

"His life is changed forever, Bella. His life and the lives of who knows how many other Quileute boys. And it's because of me."

"What did I say about the blame game?" I tapped him on the chest. "I assume there were shape-shifters before you existed?"

"Yes, but…"

"But nothing." I said while placing my fingers over his lips. "What's done is done, Edward. Jacob is alive. Furry but alive. And that's the most important thing. That and the fact that you're back."

He turned to face me.

"I am back." He whispered while touching my face. "I was scared you were going to make me leave again after you found out about what was happening to your friend."

I leaned in and kissed him. "I wouldn't do that." I kissed him again. "I'm not going to make you leave." I kissed him again and rolled half atop him. "I love you."

And then he kissed me back.


	21. Chapter 21

A/N: Your eyes do not deceive you. This is an honest to goodness update and you can thank Aleeab4u for that. We've struck up a deal. If she works on her story Thorough I'll update Resurrection. So if you want more of Resurrection go bug her.

If you're a long time reader of mine thank you for sticking with me. If you're a new reader, um, hi. I'm kind of crazy but I like to think I'm worth it.

I have to warn you guys that I'm not yet out of my slump. Hence this is a short chapter and the POVs are a little all over the place. Please forgive me.

And remember, reviews are love and we all need love.

As always, very special thanks to Aleea. Not only for getting me to update but for being my beta and always having faith in me.

BPOV

I slept more soundly that night knowing that Jacob was alive and that I was saved from having to tell him what Edward was. It was a selfish thought. I should have been brave enough to confront him but I wasn't. I'd had too much stress in my life already and I knew there was more to come. Like the two conversations I still needed to have with Edward.

"Morning, sleepy head," he said while smiling. He was leaning up on one elbow watching me. I kind of hated when he did that. I was quite sure my hair was a rat's nest and that there'd be pillow lines on my face and I didn't even want to think about the sleep in my eyes. He brushed a stray lock of hair from my face.

"Morning, sleepless in Forks," I replied. He chuckled.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"Time for you to get up." His expression changed from one of mirth to one of sadness. Getting up meant that our time together was about to come to an end since I needed to go to school and he would have to go back to skulking around, or whatever it was he did when we were apart.

"Is there any time?" I asked while lifting my head to look at the alarm clock.

"Time for what?" he asked, mischievously.

"We still have things to talk about," I said. I stared at the bright red digits on the clock trying to calculate how much time I could spare. I hadn't showered last night because we'd become rather…distracted. If I didn't condition my hair and grabbed a pop tart to go, I might be able to shave ten minutes off my morning routine.

"Okay, I'll ask the easy thing," I said while propping myself up.

"Alright," he replied warily.

"When you left, I noticed some things missing." I paused and then continued. "The pictures of us, little presents you'd given me, that sort of thing." I looked at him pointedly while my fingers picked nervously at a loose thread on my quilt.

"I know you must have taken them, but why? I could never quite figure that part out. On my worst days I assumed you did it to be cruel, but now that you're back I don't believe that."

He sighed and took one of my hands in his.

"I did so much damage, didn't I?" He said it in barely a whisper. He kissed the back of my hand tenderly.

"I'd like to show you something," he said while getting up from the bed. He beckoned me to follow him. At the foot of the bed he stooped down, resting on the balls of his feet with his knees bent. He looked at the floor almost wistfully and I briefly wondered if our time apart had made him crack a bit himself. To the best of my knowledge, my floor shouldn't have held any particular sadness for him.

"Here," he said while taking my hand again and urging me down to join him. I knelt on the cool, wood floor and waited for whatever was going to come next.

He got down on his knees and began to pry at the floor boards with his fingernails. They came up easily, like sheaths of paper, and I was awed at his strength. It had been so long since I'd seen this side of him, the side that was capable of great damage with just the flick of a finger, that I'd forgotten how true his words were when he said he was dangerous.

I was distracted from my thoughts when he moved the boards aside revealing a wooden box hidden within. My heartbeat picked up because I knew what would be in there. My things. Our things. The physical remnants of our old relationship. I was no longer sure that I wanted to see them.

He lifted the box out and ran his fingers lovingly over the top. There were words engraved in elegant script across the lid.

_Be Safe_

I felt tears prick at the corners of my eyes and I took a deep breath.

He made to remove the lid, but I quickly laid my hand over his.

"Don't," I said, almost a little too sharply. I tried to divert his attention. "Why did you do this?" I asked.

"I wanted a clean break, but I also wanted to leave a piece of myself here with you. I thought it might be painful for you to see these things. I thought maybe one day you'd forget all about me, especially if there was no longer any physical proof."

"I could never forget you," I whispered.

He tried again to lift the lid and again I stopped him. "Not now. I need to get ready or I'm going to be late."

"I wish I could give you a ride to school." He gave a halfhearted smile.

"Yes, well, that's another thing we'll need to talk about in the very near future."

Simultaneously Edward's face lit up and the phone in his pocket began to vibrate.

"I don't even want to know," I said as I stood and headed for the bathroom.

What I didn't tell him about the box was that I didn't think I could look inside. Ever. I knew it would be too painful to look back on that past representation of ourselves and all the things I'd lost. I couldn't do it. I had half a mind to burn the damn thing but I knew that would probably break his heart. I'd have to think of something though. He was right about needing a clean break. That's exactly what we needed. A clean break from a past that was no longer possible.

EPOV

While Bella rushed through her shower I pulled out my phone to see who had called, though I suspected I knew who. There was a text message from Alice.

_YES! YES! YES!_

That was all it said but that was plenty. I knew Bella was going to ask about my family coming back and I was thrilled. All I wanted was for us to return to some semblance of normalcy. I wanted to spend every second with her that I could. I wanted to walk the school hallways hand in hand with her. I wanted her to spend the weekends at my house. I wanted to take her to our meadow.

I sat on the floor and ran my thumb over the box lid. _Be Safe_. Words I left with her so long ago. Words said in place of the ones I had longed to say but it had been too soon and it was too selfish of me. I lifted the lid and stared at the contents. Photos, a CD, tickets. They were all in there. Along with the lemonade bottle cap I'd swiped all those months ago. Things had changed so much since then and not for the better. I wondered if we could get back to the place inside this box and then wondered if we should.

I pulled out the photos of us and grimaced at how serious they were. In my mind I had remembered them as happy joyful things but looking at them, I realized that wasn't the case. I was so somber in them. Thin tight smiles and sometimes outright despair, and then the last one…I was so cold and distant in the last one. I tossed them back inside as though they burned to the touch. Maybe Bella had been right not to look inside. Sometimes the past should stay in the past. We'd have to forge ahead and make new memories.

I heard the shower shut off and moments later she came in wrapped in nothing but a flimsy white towel. I couldn't stop staring. No matter that I'd already seen her in this towel. Now that I'd touched her, now that I'd had a taste of her passion, my body was automatically tuned to hers and I no longer wanted to fight my desires.

"You'll catch flies," she chided while heading to her closet.

I closed my mouth but didn't bother to stop staring.

"Out," she said, pointing at the door. "I need to get dressed."

I resisted the urge to try to convince her otherwise and instead placed the box back in its resting place and got up and went downstairs. A few minutes later she rushed by me and then came back from the kitchen with a strawberry pop tart in hand, one bite already taken out of it. I crinkled my nose.

"I know, I know," she said, "but I'm in a rush."

She grabbed her backpack and rushed for the door.

"Whoa, wait a minute," I said while grabbing her around the waist and pulling her to me.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" I asked playfully.

"I have to go," she whined. "And besides, don't you hate the smell of these things?" she asked while waving the pop tart around.

"Indeed, I do, but could you at least let me hold you for a moment?"

BPOV

I wanted to tell him no, that I was late already, and he'd held me all night, but his voice was so plaintive that I couldn't find it in me to deny him. I relaxed into his arms and wrapped my one free one around his waist. I heard him mumble something into my hair.

"I'll see you tonight?" he asked.

"Yes," I smiled and then pecked him on the lips.

"Gross." He chuckled and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, but I knew it was just for show and that really he was just trying to be silly and lighthearted.

I ran to my truck and for a moment wished that I had let Edward buy me a car because this beast was going to take forever to get me to school. I'd be lucky if they didn't call my Dad looking for me. The fact that I had left Edward in my house didn't faze me. I knew he could come and go as he pleased if he really wanted to, but it's not like he was going to steal anything. Apparently he was more likely to be burying things under the floors or for all I knew in the walls too. I shook my head. Every time I thought my life couldn't get any weirder it always did, though in the grand scale of things this was small time weird. More like creepy ex-boyfriend weird, but then I shuddered because I hated thinking of him that way.

_Ex-boyfriend_. It sounded wrong. Partly because I didn't like to think of him leaving me but partly because boyfriend just didn't seem to cut it. He'd always been so much more. In ways that were unhealthy, but also in ways that couldn't be explained. A deeper something buried inside of me that always came to life in his presence. For better or worse I was irrevocably tied to him and I prayed that eventually it would be for the better.

3rd person POV

Bella was jarred from her thoughts as a giant black blur dashed out in the road in front of her. It came dangerously close to her vehicle as it ran from one side of the road to the other and then disappeared into the trees.

"Holy crap!" she exclaimed to no one in particular. "What the hell was that?" By this point she'd slammed on the brakes and was trying to catch her breath but then realized she better get a move on. At any moment a logging truck could come barreling down the road and snuff her out of existence.

She released her foot from the brake and drove on cautiously, carefully looking at the surrounding woods, wondering what it could have been.

Edward smelled the wolf before he saw it. He was just leaving Bella's house, brazen enough to use the front door, sure that no one would see him. He was wrong. The giant, black creature stood mere yards from him, and he chided himself for being so complacent and not paying better attention to his surroundings.

_What were you going to do, bloodsucker? Hide in her house until she returned and then kill her? _

Edward bristled and tried to rein in his instinctive anger. He would never hurt Bella and even the suggestion that he would do such a thing was enough to inspire violent and potentially murderous thoughts.

"What do you want, wolf?' he asked, snidely.

_You know what I want. I want you to leave and to never come back_.

"I can't do that."

_You can and you will._

Edward tried to back away to the woods behind Bella's house but the wolf matched him step for step.

"I mean you no harm, wolf, but I will fight if I have to."

_You don't belong here_.

"This is neutral ground. I've broken no laws. I've not been to your land nor do I intend to."

_It doesn't matter. Can't you see what you've done?_

Edward felt a flash of guilt. He knew the boys had changed because of him.

"I know. And I'm sorrier than you'll ever know."

_If that's true then you'll leave. We'll go back to normal if you leave. _

"I can't."

_Can't or won't? _

"Won't," said Edward, resolutely.

_Then we have a problem._

"I suppose we do." He nodded.

Just then Edward heard the thoughts of someone approaching.

"Someone's coming," he said, and glanced down the long drive. It was the mailman.

The wolf looked over his shoulder and then back at Edward.

_This isn't over, leech. We'll be seeing you_.

"Is Jacob alright?"

_You have some nerve asking that._

"Bella's worried. She misses him."

They both heard the crunch of gravel as the mailman got closer. The wolf took off first in one direction and Edward ran off in the opposite, but not before catching one last thought from the shape-shifter.

_Well he doesn't miss her._

Edward winced and wondered if he'd ever cease to hurt the one the he loved most in the world.


End file.
